{"id":1169,"date":"2004-04-28T09:20:08","date_gmt":"2004-04-28T17:20:08","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.kira-kira.net\/fanfiction\/?p=1169"},"modified":"2009-06-22T09:23:09","modified_gmt":"2009-06-22T17:23:09","slug":"nobody-can-understand-these-damn-directions","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.kira-kira.net\/fanfiction\/2004\/nobody-can-understand-these-damn-directions\/","title":{"rendered":"Harry Potter, Nobody Can Understand These Damn Directions"},"content":{"rendered":"

<\/p>\n

Title<\/b>: Nobody Can Understand These Damn Directions [Remus\/Sirius]
\nRating\/Warnings<\/b>: PG-13 for swearing and werewolf fertility.
\nSummary<\/b>: In which Sirius pays for saying “oh, it’s just the once, Moony, I bet it’ll be fine if we go without just the once.”
\nA\/N<\/b>: Written rather than listen to proto-feminist presentations in class. There was a little bit more, but I felt I should stop here. <\/p>\n

Nobody Can Understand These Damn Directions<\/b><\/p>\n

Sirius peered at the small white strip adhered to his abdomen.<\/p>\n

“Well?” he asked.<\/p>\n

“I’m reading the directions,” Remus snapped. “Affix testing strip…wait ten minutes…no wand use…bit late for that…”<\/p>\n

“Give me that!” Sirius snatched the box out of Remus’ hands. “Blue. Blue means pregnant, pink means not. Orange means spawn of a Dark Creature.”<\/p>\n

“You’re not funny!” <\/p>\n

Remus’ scowl deepened when Sirius thrust the box back at him and jabbed a finger at the relevant quote.<\/p>\n

“Fucking lycanthrophobes,” Remus snarled, dropping the slightly crushed box on the sink counter. Sirius grunted a reply and went back to staring at the still-white strip. He poked it.<\/p>\n

“How long…” the strip interrupted Sirius with a faint “ping!” rather like an egg-timer. <\/p>\n

Bright orange. <\/p>\n

“Fuck.” Sirius sat down hard on the toilet.<\/p>\n

“Well that explains the glowing.”<\/p>\n

“That’s just a metaphor!” Sirius snapped. Remus didn’t say a word, just reached over and flipped off the bathroom light.<\/p>\n

The green phosphorescence that Remus could’ve done a crossword by clashed badly with the orange strip. <\/p>\n

“This is all your fault.”<\/p>\n

“Yes, clearly!” Remus flipped the light back on. “Clearly you had nothing to do with it!”<\/p>\n

“How’m I going to explain this to Harry?!” Sirius demanded, putting his head in his hands. <\/p>\n

“It isn’t like it’s bad news!” Remus shot back, rather hurt. “We’ll just have to tell him positively.”<\/p>\n

“Oh yes, that’ll fix everything!” Sirius announced, sarcasm thick enough to spread on toast. “We can make it into a riddle! ‘Hey Harry, what does a 170 pound werewolf impregnate?’ ”<\/p>\n

“Sirius…”<\/p>\n

” ‘Anything he damn well pleases!’ “<\/p>\n