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Title<\/b>: There Is No Spoon [Snape\/Remus]
\nRating\/Warnings<\/b>: NC-17 for some on the desk of questionable con.
\nSummary<\/b>: Something is up with Severus’ breakfast utensil.
\nA\/N<\/b>: Snape’s nose is built for this. <\/p>\n
There is No Spoon<\/b><\/p>\n
The moment Snape picked up the spoon, he knew something was wrong. He had meant for it to stir his tea, but the spoon apparently had other plans. Death Eater reflexes not entirely forgotten, he tried to drop the spoon immediately, but found he could no more unwrap his fingers from the handle than alter its upward rise. <\/p>\n
Bypassing his teacup altogether, the spoon also avoided Snape\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s mouth, the only other positive location one might stick a spoon, and continued up to affix itself to Snape\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s nose. <\/p>\n
Snape tried to tug the utensil off his nose in a discreet manner, with no luck. It remained firmly attached even when his yanks became a bit painful. Forced to admit that the spoon was clearly hexed, Snape readied himself to slip away from the Hogwarts staff table as quietly as possible.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Ah, Severus!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
Bugger.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153How marvelous!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d the Headmaster exclaimed from the other end of the table, drawing the attention of every staff member and several hundred some-odd Hogwarts students. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I haven\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t done that since I was a child!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
Sinking back against his chair with resignation, Snape scowled underneath the spoon as he watched Dumbledore rubbing his own spoon on his sleeve. The Headmaster breathed vigorously on the metal before pressing it to his nose and pulling his hands away to reveal a perfectly balanced spoon.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Ta-da!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he grinned. Snape suppressed the urge to crack him over the head with the sugar bowl. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Minerva, you must try it really! Such fun!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
Minerva seemed to be the only person less amused than Severus. Flitwick was tittering into his napkin, Trelawny and Hooch were indulging the Headmaster and setting their own spoons a-dangle, Vector was scribbling balance equations on a napkin, and Lupin was calmly sipping his tea.<\/p>\n
Lupin! Severus\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 scowl deepened into a snarl. This was clearly the work of Lupin, it was exactly the sort of childish prank that Potter and Black would have engaged in, and Severus expected no better from one of their sycophants. <\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Albus, this is hardly behavior befitting a Headmaster,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Minerva scolded. She eyed Severus. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Or a Head of House, for that matter.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Minerva, you must learn to lighten up!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d the Headmaster announced, voice slightly nasal from underneath the utensil. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Would it hurt you to appreciate Severus\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 talents? I myself am thoroughly enjoying his spooning ability!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
Lupin was forced to abandon his feigned composure at last and faked a coughing fit, but Severus could clearly see the smirk behind his hairy-knuckled hand. Having endured more than was tolerable, Severus shoved back his chair and stormed out of the room with a curt \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Excuse me!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Quite entertaining,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he heard the Headmaster announce behind his back, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153what that man can do with a piece of flatware.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
Back in his quarters, Severus scowled at the pile of books on his desk, none of which had helped at all. The spoon remained firmly affixed to his nose, dangling infuriatingly. Its metallic surface had deflected most of the counter-hexes he had attempted, and merely absorbed any of them that had gotten through. Severus even wedged his wand in between his face and the spoon and tried to blow it off from underneath, but only managed to give himself a massive nosebleed.<\/p>\n
It didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t really get much worse than having a nosebleed while a spoon was stuck to one\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s nose. <\/p>\n
Still pressing a stained handkerchief to his face, Severus was not in a good mood when he arrived at Remus Lupin\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s office. He snarled at the door for a moment before pounding on it.<\/p>\n
Remus opened the door as Severus was pulling back his fist for the fifth time, and it took every ounce of his maturity not to swing forward anyway.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Something amiss, Severus?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d the accursed werewolf asked pleasantly, not bothering to hide his smile this time. <\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t toy with me, Lupin!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Severus stormed past him into his office. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m fully aware that you are behind this! I demand to know the counter-hex!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Do you know, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve heard that you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve applied for my position repeatedly,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Lupin closed the door and regarded Severus thoughtfully. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153One wonders why Hogwarts would need a Defense professor who can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t even pry a spoon off his own nose?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m warning you, Lupin,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Severus snapped. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153It would not be a difficult thing to add just a dash too much Wolfsbane in your potion this month!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Now, now, let\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not get violent.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Lupin\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s infuriating smile ratcheted up a notch. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153This particular spell happens to have a very simple release.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
Snape opened his mouth to make some more demands, but Lupin started advancing on him, forcing Severus to back up step by step until he bumped into Lupin\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s desk. Lupin reached out and grasped the edge of his desk on either side of Severus, trapping him, and leaned in even closer. <\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Release me at once!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Severus leaned back as far as he could, but Lupin kept right on leaning in. At exactly the wrong moment, Severus\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 cock decided to join in the fun, very interested in being pressed against the first person in quite some time. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153What do you think you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re doing?!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
Lupin didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t answer, just pressed in a bit closer, and just when Severus was absolutely sure that his lips were going to meet Lupin\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s, spoon or no spoon, Lupin touched his nose to the back of the utensil. The spoon dropped immediately, as though it hadn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t been stuck at all, and hit the carpet with a dull thump. <\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Breaking the spell,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Lupin answered, still infuriatingly calm even as Severus was having a hard time drawing a full breath. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You merely have to get another person\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s nose close enough to confuse the spoon, drops right off. What did you think I was doing, Severus?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
Severus tried to push Lupin away, but Lupin\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s grip tightened on the desk, and Severus accomplished nothing but bumping his crotch against Lupin. <\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Aha,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Lupin\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s eyebrow raised. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I see. Would you like help with that as well?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Get away from me,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Severus spat. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re exactly like you were in school, playing your ridiculous tricks and thinking you can take anything you like.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153That\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not really an accurate description of the situation,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Lupin said, pressing flush against Severus and letting his own erection make the acquaintance of Severus\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 thigh. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153After all, I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t really like you at all. But as for taking you, I think I might at that.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve lost your mind if you think I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m going to be under you any time soon!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Severus shoved forward again, but Lupin had been anticipating his move and merely used the momentum to push him up onto the desk.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153If there\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s one thing a werewolf knows when he sees one, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a bottom,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Lupin edged Severus just a bit further back to truly sit on the desk and slid between his legs, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153and you, sir, are a bottom.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
Severus\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 exclamation of rage turned into a gasp when Lupin leaned forward to nip his neck. He tried to struggle a bit more, but all it served to do was make his robes ride up, and he couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t suppress either the groan or the arch when Lupin\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s hands were suddenly under them, gripping his thighs. <\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Sod off!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he snarled when he could get the air in to do so.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Wonderful suggestion,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Lupin grinned, letting his thumbs graze just a bit higher and press into Severus\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 balls. He laughed suddenly, throwing his head back a bit and flashing a pale throat that Severus would have liked nothing better than to tear out. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Why, Severus, teaching all those impressionable young minds without the benefit of undergarments? You really are a pervert, aren\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t you?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Got rather tired of people flipping me over to have a look at them!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
Lupin merely laughed again as he wrapped one hand tightly around Severus\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 cock, and Severus cursed his body\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s ridiculous obsession with sex as it thrust into Lupin\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s hand. Something tightened in his chest as he watched Lupin pushing aside his own robes with one hand and giving his own cock a squeeze. Severus preferred to think the tightness was revulsion. <\/p>\n
Apparently satisfied with his own state, Remus let go of himself and murmured an Accio, giving Severus\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 a wink and his cock a little squeeze. <\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Oh, ha ha, very clever wandplay,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Severus snarked, bracing his arms against the desk so he could glare properly. A jar of lubricant sailed out of Lupin\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s desk and into his palm with a cheerful smack.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153We could go without,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Lupin shrugged, setting the jar down and twirling open the lid. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re nearly ready enough for it, you tart.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Severus muttered something unintelligible and leaned his head back, closing his eyes so he wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have to see Lupin greasing himself up. <\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Not one for undue preparation, Lupin?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Severus asked when Lupin\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s cock pressed against his entrance without preamble. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153How very Gryffindor.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Taking it up arse, Severus?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Lupin replied. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153How very Slytherin.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Black was a Slytherin after all, then.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
Severus couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t entirely muffle the cry when Lupin shoved into him hard. His eyes flew open, and he found himself being stared down by a snarling werewolf. Eyes narrowed and teeth bared, Lupin made sure Severus felt every inch of his cock as he slid almost entirely out with excruciating slowness. <\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Fuck you,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Lupin growled, and Severus would have replied that he was already there if Lupin hadn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t been slamming balls-deep back into his arse. Severus cried out again, but let the satisfaction at having driven Lupin past civility show plainly on his face. Lupin pounded him harder, but it was worth it.<\/p>\n
Severus leaned over onto one elbow so that he could reach down with the other hand and stroke himself, taking what pleasure out of the encounter that he could. And if he spilled over his hand only a minute or two later, well, it had been quite some time, hadn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t it? One could do worse than a thick werewolf cock, no matter who it had the misfortune to be attached to. <\/p>\n
Several thrusts later, Severus felt Lupin\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s final pulse, and Lupin stilled above him, gasping for air. By the time Lupin lifted his head to shake damp hair out of his face, the mask of pleasantness was firmly back in place. <\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153This was remarkably like school, as a matter of fact,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he commented, delivering a jovial, but stinging, slap to Severus\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 arse as he pulled out. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You haven\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t changed either, it seems. Where was it we used to go?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153You know damned well where it was,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Severus snarled, pushing Lupin aside to slide off the desk and yank his robes into order. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153But it might please you to know that Potter\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s insufferable son sits in that very seat every day in my class.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
Something flickered in Lupin\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s gaze, but he had far too good a grip on himself by then. He merely smiled in return as he readjusted his own robes. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153No doubt he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s asked about the scratch marks, then. I do hope you told him the truth? I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve overheard him remarking that he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d like to see you in that very position on many occasions.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
Seething, Severus stormed towards the door and yanked it open.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Oh and Severus,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Lupin called cheerfully. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t bother bringing your own spoon to breakfast. Who knows what I might do to the fork.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Stick it in your ear!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Severus shouted, slamming the door as an exclamation point. <\/p>\n
Alone in the hallway, Severus cursed himself for giving the werewolf ideas. He consoled himself with the thought that if Lupin did hex his fork, there was an off-chance that Dumbledore would choose to imitate the ear-forking just for fun.<\/p>\n