Heroes, According to Plan (Live Long and Pon Farr Remix)

Title: According to Plan (Live Long and Pon Farr Remix) [Hiro]
Author: marksapelli (Mousapelli and Marksykins)
Summary: What Hiro saw, or if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.
Rating: PG-13 for Paire getting it on.
Original Story: Five Times Paire Is Caught Getting It On by scoob2222

According to Plan (Live Long and Pon Farr Remix)

Time froze for a second, which wasn’t an unusual thing so much for Hiro, but this time he was pretty sure that it was all in his head.

And then he slammed the door shut and leaned against it, face burning. Behind him, the thumping started up again, as if he’d never gone inside at all, except now he knew it was the sound of Claire’s shapely rear slapping into the drywall over and over and…

“Oi,” Ando came around the corner just then, catching sight of Hiro. “Find anything in there?” Hiro cleared his throat, eyes darting back towards the closet door as Ando approached and glanced around. “And what is that noise?”

“Tell you in a minute,” Hiro said, then squeezed his eyes shut.

A minute earlier, he’d meant, and when he opened his eyes, he was standing in front of the closet, in the act of reaching towards the doorknob. He snatched his hand back, hopping back a half-step while he was at it.

And then he high-tailed it down the hallway in the opposite direction of Ando’s impending arrival. A few steps past the corner though, he stopped and looked over his shoulder, reconsidering.

Peter and Claire had been stuck in the closet; the doorknob had been jammed. Even if they were…well, he couldn’t leave them there! Hiro heaved a long-suffering sigh, and was just about to go back when he had a brilliant idea.

Plan A

In another minute or two, Ando would come down the hallway with the closet. Surely he would hear the noise too, like somebody banging on the closet wall, trying to get out. Of course he would hurry to be helpful, just like Hiro had a few minutes ago (a few minutes later? This sort of thing always gave Hiro a headache) and then he would get the eyeful.

All he had to do, Hiro told himself, was watch around the corner, and if by some chance Ando did not notice the noise, he could just pretend he was Ando this time, strolling in and innocently asking what that noise was all about. He would just stay here, very sneaky, and watch. Like a ninja! He even had his sword strapped to his back, although he did not have a cool headband or socks.

Sure enough, it wasn’t long before Ando appeared, wrinkling his brow in a ‘what is that?’ expression that Hiro was more than passably familiar with. They were best friends, after all. That was why Hiro would be more than happy to help out, once Ando had opened the door for himself. Ando would probably even like it, knowing Ando’s taste in computer entertainment, in which case Hiro was doing his best friend a favor!

Ando tried the doorknob, and nothing happened. He banged his hip against the door, still with no effect, and bent down to examine the knob.

Trying to see what was taking Ando so long, Hiro leaned forward, then a little more forward, and forgot that he was being a ninja for just one moment, which is exactly how he got caught when Ando looked up and waved at him.

“This door’s stuck, and I think somebody’s inside!” Ando called down the hallway. “Come here and help!”

Crap, thought Hiro, as he reluctantly shuffled out of his nice, safe corner, that didn’t have anybody doing any horizontal kabuki in it. Any hopes he had of Ando’s shout instilling some social shame into Claire and Peter were dashed by the steady thumping against the wall that was audible as he approached, like there was a muted Romulan Rave on the other side of the door.

Vulcans sure didn’t do it like that, Hiro thought glumly.

“Help me push,” Ando said, grabbing the knob and trying to shoulder the door again, and Hiro took comfort in the fact that at least Ando would be just as scarred for life as he was.

Except that, just as the door started to give, Mohinder appeared down the hallway, asking if they’d found anything, and Ando looked up to answer, and then the door flew open, banging against the wall and spilling Hiro to the floor.

Giving him an even better angle on the action than he’d had the first time. Last time at least the pink cheerleader panties had been leaving just a little to the imagination!

“Hmm?” Ando asked when Hiro shrieked, but by the time he turned around, Peter’s pants were back up and Claire’s skirt was back down, and they just looked rumpled and flustered rather than caught red-handed at the height of pon farr. “Hiro, what are you doing down there?”

“Leaving,” Hiro said, then shut his eyes and made it so.

Plan B

Okay, Plan A had apparently stood for Anti-Functional. Hiro looked around to find himself on the ground of the second floor landing of the house. Perhaps Plan B would stand for Beautifully Accomplished!

“Hiro, what are you doing down there?” Ando asked again for the first time, and Peter and Claire were staring at him too, paused at the bottom of the steps that would lead them to the third floor and eventually to the closet.

“Looking for clues, like detective!” Hiro said, using Ando’s hand to pull himself up and dusting off his jacket. “Let’s take the third floor, Ando-kun! You could use the exercise after all those waffles.”

Peter and Claire shared a glance, then Peter shrugged and waved Hiro and Ando ahead of them on the stairs.

“And what are you grinning at?” Ando asked in a low voice as the started up. “You are acting kind of weird.”

“Nothing!” Hiro said, then added except my super ultra GENIUSin his head, because if Peter and Claire did not search the third floor, then they could not get stuck in the closet, and Hiro couldn’t stumble across them, and then he wouldn’t end up scarred for life!

His smiled dimmed a little as he reflected that cheerleader panty shots were much more exciting on anime than in real life.

He was still thinking about that, and was thus distracted, when he wandered into a random door and was startled to find that he was in the dreaded closet. He froze for a few seconds, the image of Peter and Claire replaying in his brain like one of the poorly-burned DVDs he and Ando had traded in college (oh god, and the subtitles).

It was long enough that suddenly there were footsteps behind him, and Ando-kun asking “What is in here?” and before Hiro could shout “No, don’t!” the door slammed.

And they were stuck in the closet.

“Sorry, Hiro.” Ando scratched the back of his head, taking Hiro’s jaw-dangling horror as personal accusation. “But you can just teleport out, right? Get help? Peter and Claire are searching the floor right above us.”

“S-sure.” Hiro shook himself. Of course he could! He was a superhero and this was just a stupid closet! “I will be right back, like the Flash!” Ando nodded, and Hiro closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

Which was why his scream was so loud when he opened them to find Claire stretched out over the pool table, Peter almost certainly earning himself some terrific brushburns from the green felt.

Plan C

The tail end of Hiro’s scream died in front of the house where everyone was gathered. Everyone turned to look at him. Beautifully Accomplished Plan had turned out to be the Broken Spirit Plan. However, Plan C would succeed! How could Plan Cautiously Optimistic fail?

Hiro shifted his eyes away from Peter and Claire, who were vertical and free of brushburns, at least for the time being. “I am very, very excited for today’s mission!” he explained, giving Mohinder an enthusiastic thumbs up. Ando shook his head, and Hiro hoped that later on he wouldn’t have to hear about how these missions would improve drastically if Hiro could stop fanboying for five minutes. But he could not help that! It was innate!

“We’ll split into two teams,” Mohinder said, consulting a flippy notebook he’d had tucked into his shirt pocket. He pointed to a crudely drawn map. “Matt, Nathan, Niki, and I will take Area A, while Peter, Claire, Hiro, and Ando search Area B.”

“No!” Hiro shouted, waving his hands wildly. Everyone looked at him again. “I– I am afraid of heights. This house is too high. Area A only two stories, much safer!”

Ando elbowed him in the side. “It’s four floors. Our office is higher than that. Our hotel in Las Vegas was higher than that!”

“No heights,” Hiro insisted. “Very afraid!”

Mohinder blinked, but shrugged and scratched out something on his notebook. “Okay, if it means so much, you can go along with Matt and Niki. Nathan, you and I can go with your family.” Nathan stopped staring at Hiro long enough to nod.

Hiro breathed a sigh of relief. Sweet escape! No way he was going to be opening that closet or getting stuck in that closet or doing anything where he witnessed uncle-niece stuff that was popular in those vending machine mangas Ando always bought.

Twenty minutes later, the searching was going very well. Hiro found clues and hadn’t gotten locked in anywhere or walked in on any naked people at all. He was a double genius at time travel. Then he passed by an open window and heard it: A loud bang and girl’s voice shouting from the house next door. Hiro didn’t give it a split-second’s thought before traveling ten seconds forward and one lot over. A hero called to battle!

Two (or twelve) seconds later, Hiro was sadly shutting the bathroom door behind him as he remembered a universal truth: Girly screams weren’t always caused by fear. It was good that Claire was so small; most sinks wouldn’t be able to support much weight.

“Oi,” said Ando, panting as he appeared at the top of the stairs, “find anything in there?”

“Ando-kun, do all American cheerleaders have pink underwear issued to them?”

“What? Hiro, have you been into the helium balloons again?”

Hiro squeezed his eyes shut…

Plan D

…And opened them two hours earlier. He was back in the car on the way to the mission, Ando’s drool staining the shoulder of Hiro’s shirt. Plan D was for Drool! This was why he always made Ando drive, besides the whole left side of the road confusion; put Ando in a car for a long enough time and he was snoring and drooling like a toddler.

“Have you ever given politics any thought, Hiro?” Nathan asked him from his other side. Hiro felt like he’d been the one asleep and having one of those dreams where he is standing in front of his second-year debate class in yellow smiley face boxer shorts.

Hiro shook his head. “No, no politics. They are reminding me of my father.”

“When I’m president, I could make you a Cabinet member,” Nathan told him, “though I suppose it wouldn’t matter if everyone died and they got to you in succession, haha! You know, you being Japanese and all.”

“Ah, thank you anyway, Nathan Petrelli,” Hiro said, blinking. Why would he want to be in a cabinet? Especially right now when that only brought to mind closets and cheerleaders and floppy hair going every which way.

The cars parked and Ando jerked awake, sleepily rubbing his eyes and muttering, “Are we there yet?”

“Ando-kun, you have made my shoulder all wet.” Hiro grumpily got out of the car.

Hiro trudged toward Area B like a man condemned to death. He could only imagine what Ando would say when he finally told him what was going on, but he did not need to hear Ando’s rants about how lucky Hiro was just because he was rich and had super powers and kept seeing a cheerleader with her skirt up. Then, Hiro got a brilliant idea: he just wouldn’t go. Hiro skidded to a stop; Nathan, who had been talking about the Supreme Court when he hadn’t been making Hiro repeat the word ‘Supreme’ over and over, looked at him over his shoulder.

“Please go on ahead,” Hiro told Nathan with a little bow. “I seem to have forgotten a very important item back at the car.”

“What did you forget?” Nathan asked reasonably.

“My phaser,” he said. Surely someone as important as Nathan Petrelli would understand the implications behind that.

Nathan scratched the back of his head and stared at Hiro. “Yeah, you do that,” he said finally. Hiro grinned happily and dashed off. On the walk back to the cars, Hiro wondered how to kill enough time without having people worry about him and also if he should perhaps take up a regular exercise program because running was difficult!

He saluted the two drivers, who weren’t exactly standing near the cars and that was a little strange, which was when realized he had never seen Peter and Claire walking with them. Hiro had assumed their car had been delayed, not that they were still in their car. However, he had been wrong, so very, very wrong.

The car window was down and Hiro could see everything. Peter and Claire were kissing hard enough that there were wet sounds and tongues, and Hiro groaned miserably when Peter’s hand disappeared underneath Claire’s skirt. The sound caught Peter and Claire’s attention, and they broke apart, finding Hiro blushing and wanting the car service to roll over his miserable body.

“Hiro, we can explain,” Peter started, putting his arm around Claire. Claire nodded, bright smile already spreading across her face.

“No, no! Not necessary, little Petrelli!” Hiro waved his hands and shook his head and closed his eyes, and disappeared out of existence as fast as his little time-traveling feet could take him.

Plan E

E would stand for excellent, Hiro decided, then cautiously opened his eyes.

No closets. No cheerleaders. No cars or uncles or standard issue pink panties. He was back at the motel where they’d planned this whole thing, only the planning wasn’t going to happen for another…three days, Hiro realized, checking his watch.

Well, that wasn’t so bad! Hiro flopped down on the squeaky motel bed, paying no mind to the shiny blue and pink fish that were swimming happily across the bedspread. Of course the fish were happy! They hadn’t been subjected to days of psychological damage!

Well, Hiro reflected as he glanced around at the metallic wallpaper and the three-dimensional mermaid decorations, probably if you added all the time up together it equaled days.

He was about to find the remote and flip on the TV, and maybe even figure out whether he had enough change in his pocket for both a trip to the vending maching AND the Magic Fingers, when suddenly he heard it.

“Oh NO,” he groaned, “Romulan Rave!” because coming from next door was a steady thump-thump-thump that he’d become very acquainted with lately. It was getting louder, and the mermaids were starting to rattle.

It must mean something, Hiro finally realized. It must be destiny! He was a superhero, and superheroes always had to face their biggest fears rather than running away!

So Hiro stood up, pushed up his glasses, reached behind him to touch his sword just for reassurance, and marched over to give the door to the adjoining room a stern glare.

“Yosh,” he said, pushing up his sleeves, then added, “please just no more cheerleader panties, Kami-sama.” And then he kicked down the door in one try (the first try didn’t count because it was just for practice).

The scene that he was confronted with was a little more surprising than even a person of destiny could have imagined, at least until Hiro remembered that the reason they were meeting at this motel in the first place was because Peter Petrelli and the cheerleader had said they’d tracked Sylar here and had only survived the fight with him because of a completely random distraction.

“Who the hell are you?!” Sylar demanded, attention turned momentarily from the bed, which is when Peter Petrelli snatched up the bedside lamp and made his move, springing forward and crashing both of them to the floor.

“I am the completely random distraction!” Hiro replied in horror, distantly noting that Kami-sama had indeed heeded his prayer, because now Peter Petrelli was wearing the pink panties.

“Peter!” shouted Claire, throwing herself into the struggle, armed with nothing but her cheerleading sweater. It was at that point exactly that Hiro decided that Spider-man had definitely never faced any biggest fears like this, and maybe this was exactly the reason that Superman had Superspeed.

Which gave him the idea for one last desperate genius plan.

“I’m off!” Hiro shouted, and reached back to grab the hilt of his sword to make absolutely sure nothing went wrong with his power this time.

Plan F

F would absolutely not stand for F***, Those Are Dinosaurs, Hiro decided, because he just didn’t think that way no matter how many strip clubs Ando took him to. But those were dinosaurs! And they were fighting!

“So coooool,” Hiro breathed, looking all around at the landscape that had no closets or girls’ underwear or anything that remotely resembled things that went thump against drywall. In fact, there was no drywall at all. “I did it!”

Of course, that also meant he had gone so far back in time that all he had to keep him from being a dinosaur treat was his trusty Sword of Kensai, and now that he’d had a chance to look more closely, those dinosaurs didn’t seem like they were fighting exactly, more like–

THUMP. Two dinosaur tails hit the dirt, sending a cloud of debris up and all around Hiro.

“Crap,” Hiro said, squeezing his eyes tightly shut.

Hiro opened his eyes and found himself back in the house, back on the second floor, back in front of the closet door, which was exactly where he had started.

“Oh well,” he said to himself, because all hero journeys were circular, weren’t they? And then he called down the hall for Ando to hurry up because if destiny had decided that he was going to look at cheerleader porn, then just like in college, it would not be right to do it without his best friend.

“What’s in there?” Ando asked, eyeing Hiro suspiciously when he threw a companionable arm around Ando’s shoulders.

“Destiny!” Hiro exclaimed, then kicked the door down in one try (the first one didn’t count because it was for practice).

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