Steven Universe, Fiction: Interpolating Thoughtless Problematics and Demolition

Title: Fiction: Interpolating Thoughtless Problematics and Demolition
Rating/Warnings: G even though that’s boring
Summary: Peridot decides to show the internet people how they’re doing it wrong; Lapis reads Pretty Hairstylist Vol 6 for the third time.
AN: i think the worst part was when i had to google ‘Camp Pining Hearts Wiki’ and then it actually existed. What the hell tag should i even checkbox for Steven Universe pfft. And why aren’t there any gem JE crossovers? Title from the Random Academic Essay Title Generator, which I laughed about for a solid minute.

Fiction: Interpolating Thoughtless Problematics and Demolition

“‘Please take care of me?!'” Peridot scrunched up her face so hard her eye shields were almost on her forehead. “Pierre wouldn’t say that! Who would say that ever?!”

“Hm,” Lapis said, turning a page in her book. Backwards. Because the morons on this planet couldn’t even agree on which direction to read, so it was no wonder they spent most of their time trying to shatter each other over something as simple as nuclear fusion. And what was so great about Pretty Hairstylist Volume 6 that Lapis was reading it for the third time? Keiko wasn’t going to not dump that loser Shino on the third try either, so it was definitely a waste of everyone’s time to relive it.

But back to the problem at hand.

“The dialogue in this entire scenario is atrocious,” Peridot continued to complain without or without Lapis’s feedback. She poked at her tablet with a vicious jab of her finger, wishing that whatever moron had written Pierre simpering ‘Please take care of me’ would feel the pain somewhere on the other end. “Take that, Psquared52, you clod!”

“Just read another author,” Lapis said, her foot kicking lightly against the chair.

“Most of them are worse! Honestly, it can’t be THAT hard to imitate the vocalization patterns of a set group of humans who can be observed repeatedly in virtual captivity! If they were real fanatics they would re-watch the footage until they couldn’t help but do it right!” Peridot flopped onto her back, arms outstretched in exasperation. “Besides, there’s only 512 Percy/Pierre writers on the archive, which, by the way, is ridiculous when in comparison, Paulette/Percy has five times as many! How can these dolts spend their time writing about a clearly inferior fusion!”

“Hm,” Lapis said. Peridot rolled over onto her stomach so she could see her tablet again, still strapped to her arm. She landed on Lapis’s foot; Lapis push-kicked her hard enough to roll her back over. It didn’t interrupt Peridot’s thoughts.

“And you’d think that anyone who had the sense to see that Percy/Pierre is clearly the superior choice would be more than smart enough to write a serviceable word morp scenario, but empirical evidence,” Peridot waved her tablet around for both emphasis and evidence, “suggests things are entirely to the contrary! If this list contains the best minds the Camp Pining Hearts fanbase has to offer, I shudder to think what those other clods are reading.”

“You shouldn’t have started with the Explicit filter,” Lapis advised. She flipped a few pages forward, which meant backwards, as if starting the section over and then started reading them again. What was she doing? Peridot was starting to wonder if maybe being on this planet too long really did increase aberrant behavior in a measurable way. “Once you get to lower ratings half of them are unfinished and most of them are boring.”

“I was reading the filters in alphabetical order, obviously!” Peridot protested. “That’s the only logical way to do it!”

That made Lapis laugh, for some reason. When Peridot looked up to frown that she wasn’t taking the issue seriously enough, Lapis was eyeing her over the top of her book. “If you think it’s so easy, why don’t you try it?”

“Me? Uhhh…” Peridot transferred her frown from Lapis to her tablet’s screen. “Of course I could. I’d make great word morps! Way better than these clods! But I haven’t…finished.” Lapis raised an eyebrow. “Researching the ones already posted! I have to make a full survey of the entire body of work to be sure I don’t repeat anything! It’s for efficiency’s sake.”

“I’m sure that’s it,” Lapis said, eyes disappearing back behind her book again. She was definitely laughing.

“What do you know about it?” Peridot wanted to know suspiciously.

“I’ve written some,” Lapis replied calmly. “Not for Camp Pining Hearts. Too high profile. But I’ve got fifty kudos on an omitted kiss scene from Pretty Hairstylist Volume 4. I’m researching a sequel now.”

“You WHAT?” Peridot demanded, sitting up and pointing accusingly. “You were doing morps without me?!”

“Word morps aren’t the same,” Lapis informed Peridot primly. “And anyway, who said we were exclusive? You don’t get to tell me what to do with my morps.”

“NnnghAAAUGH,” Peridot retorted, grinding her teeth. “Fine! Desert me! Leave me for your hair modifiers and impermanent waves! I don’t need you! I’ve got 512 serviceable friends right here waiting to shower me with their perfectly verbal meep morps! Ugh, except for YOU, Psquared52. Somewhere on this thing there must be a button to ban you from the internet, since you clearly can’t be trusted.”

Lapis was watching over her book again. She didn’t sound like she was laughing, but Peridot still felt that she was being laughed at, somehow.

“You really should try it yourself,” Lapis encouraged. “But if you think you can’t do any better…”

“I can do EVERYTHING better than Psquared52, I can tell you that!” Peridot insisted, standing up, hands on her hips. “I’ll show you! I’ll write the best Percy/Pierre morp that ever meeped, and then these clods will be lining up around the block to give me their kudos! No one else will ever get any kudos, because I’ll collect all of them! I’ll create a solar system-wide shortage!”

Peridot stomped out of the barn, ignoring Lapis calling after her, “That’s not how kudos work, you know!”

Just some peace and quiet was all Peridot needed, and then she’d definitely show them. The top of the silo seemed perfectly suitable enough, nothing but Peridot, her table, and comforting hum of the solar panel array she’d hooked up last week. Steven had told her that most appliances hum in the key of B flat, and that’s why it was soothing. Peridot had told him that if she shoved him off the silo, he’d B flat as well.

Nobody around here had enough appreciation for the art of subtle wordplay. Anyway.

Down to business. Peridot was going to create the best, most original word morp that ever existed.

“How to start…” Peridot muttered. The beginning was the most important part, to hook the reader into submission and force them to admit her superiority. It had to be like nothing these clods had ever seen before! Peridot had just the thing.

It was a dark and stormy night. With lightning. And there was only one bed.

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