Harry Potter, Nobody Can Understand These Damn Directions

Title: Nobody Can Understand These Damn Directions [Remus/Sirius]
Rating/Warnings: PG-13 for swearing and werewolf fertility.
Summary: In which Sirius pays for saying “oh, it’s just the once, Moony, I bet it’ll be fine if we go without just the once.”
A/N: Written rather than listen to proto-feminist presentations in class. There was a little bit more, but I felt I should stop here.

Nobody Can Understand These Damn Directions

Sirius peered at the small white strip adhered to his abdomen.

“Well?” he asked.

“I’m reading the directions,” Remus snapped. “Affix testing strip…wait ten minutes…no wand use…bit late for that…”

“Give me that!” Sirius snatched the box out of Remus’ hands. “Blue. Blue means pregnant, pink means not. Orange means spawn of a Dark Creature.”

“You’re not funny!”

Remus’ scowl deepened when Sirius thrust the box back at him and jabbed a finger at the relevant quote.

“Fucking lycanthrophobes,” Remus snarled, dropping the slightly crushed box on the sink counter. Sirius grunted a reply and went back to staring at the still-white strip. He poked it.

“How long…” the strip interrupted Sirius with a faint “ping!” rather like an egg-timer.

Bright orange.

“Fuck.” Sirius sat down hard on the toilet.

“Well that explains the glowing.”

“That’s just a metaphor!” Sirius snapped. Remus didn’t say a word, just reached over and flipped off the bathroom light.

The green phosphorescence that Remus could’ve done a crossword by clashed badly with the orange strip.

“This is all your fault.”

“Yes, clearly!” Remus flipped the light back on. “Clearly you had nothing to do with it!”

“How’m I going to explain this to Harry?!” Sirius demanded, putting his head in his hands.

“It isn’t like it’s bad news!” Remus shot back, rather hurt. “We’ll just have to tell him positively.”

“Oh yes, that’ll fix everything!” Sirius announced, sarcasm thick enough to spread on toast. “We can make it into a riddle! ‘Hey Harry, what does a 170 pound werewolf impregnate?’ ”


” ‘Anything he damn well pleases!’ “

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