Harry Potter, And Then The Dark Lord Went Blam

Title: And Then The Dark Lord Went Blam [Harry/Voldemort]
Rating/Warnings: PG-13 for exploding lubricant.
Summary: I think the title says it all, really.
AN: This is the most musesfool‘s fault that anything in the history of things being musesfool‘s fault has ever been. Our brains are swollen with ass tea.

And Then The Dark Lord Went Blam

Harry Potter, the Trophy Concubine Who Lived, staggered out of the Dark Lord’s chamber covered in ichor. The sound of a rather wet explosion had brought several key minions of Voldemort running.

Remus Lupin, Lapwerewolf to the Throne, was first on the scene, and caught Harry just before he tumbled to the ground, barely even thinking about how these stains were never going to come out of his leather trousers. Good thing he wasn’t wearing a shirt.

“Harry, what’s happened?” he demanded, shaking the boy’s shoulders. Harry was wearing a dazed expression.

“I have no idea,” he murmured, eyes glassy. “He was putting on the lube, and he murmured the usual sensory enhancement charm, and then…BLAM!” Harry fluttered a hand helplessly.

“Blam?” Severus Snape, Official Brewer of Lubricant and Other Necessaries, appeared at Remus’ shoulder, cape snapping dramatically. Glancing back at it in irritation, Snape barked a Finite Incantatum to end the Dramatic Wind Charm Voldemort insisted on having blowing down the corridor at all times. “Now, what’s all this about the Dark Lord going blam?”

“Lube,” Harry offered weakly, raising a hand to his brow and smearing the ichor around. “Charm…blam.”

Blam?” Lucius Malfoy, Head Minion and Nefarious Activities Coordinator, came pelting down the hall. After a horrified look at Harry, Lucius threw open the chamber door and shrieked. “My Lord!”

“Excellent!” Snape’s eyes glittered in triumph. “My latest lubricant was a complete success!”

“You did this, Severus?” Remus asked. Harry gave a weak moan, and Remus patted his back soothingly. Really, these trousers were so ruined.

“I brewed it specifically for the Dark Lord,” Snape announced. “Merlin knows I agree with him about the Mudbloods, but he was slashing my ingredients budget. Something had to be done.”

“But I don’t understand.” Harry gave a watery hiccup. “You gave that tube to him last week!”

“The ingredients are extremely volatile,” Snape informed them. “They can only be mixed in tiny amounts, reducing the chance of a successful combustion. Still, when combined with the charm that our Lord preferred, the lubricant had a thousand-to-one chance of igniting.”

“A thousand to one!” Lucius wailed. “There’s no way he could beat those odds!”

The End [blam]

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