Harry Potter, There Is No Spoon

Title: There Is No Spoon [Snape/Remus]
Rating/Warnings: NC-17 for some on the desk of questionable con.
Summary: Something is up with Severus’ breakfast utensil.
A/N: Snape’s nose is built for this.

There is No Spoon

The moment Snape picked up the spoon, he knew something was wrong. He had meant for it to stir his tea, but the spoon apparently had other plans. Death Eater reflexes not entirely forgotten, he tried to drop the spoon immediately, but found he could no more unwrap his fingers from the handle than alter its upward rise.

Bypassing his teacup altogether, the spoon also avoided Snape’s mouth, the only other positive location one might stick a spoon, and continued up to affix itself to Snape’s nose.

Snape tried to tug the utensil off his nose in a discreet manner, with no luck. It remained firmly attached even when his yanks became a bit painful. Forced to admit that the spoon was clearly hexed, Snape readied himself to slip away from the Hogwarts staff table as quietly as possible.

“Ah, Severus!”


“How marvelous!” the Headmaster exclaimed from the other end of the table, drawing the attention of every staff member and several hundred some-odd Hogwarts students. “I haven’t done that since I was a child!”

Sinking back against his chair with resignation, Snape scowled underneath the spoon as he watched Dumbledore rubbing his own spoon on his sleeve. The Headmaster breathed vigorously on the metal before pressing it to his nose and pulling his hands away to reveal a perfectly balanced spoon.

“Ta-da!” he grinned. Snape suppressed the urge to crack him over the head with the sugar bowl. “Minerva, you must try it really! Such fun!”

Minerva seemed to be the only person less amused than Severus. Flitwick was tittering into his napkin, Trelawny and Hooch were indulging the Headmaster and setting their own spoons a-dangle, Vector was scribbling balance equations on a napkin, and Lupin was calmly sipping his tea.

Lupin! Severus’ scowl deepened into a snarl. This was clearly the work of Lupin, it was exactly the sort of childish prank that Potter and Black would have engaged in, and Severus expected no better from one of their sycophants.

“Albus, this is hardly behavior befitting a Headmaster,” Minerva scolded. She eyed Severus. “Or a Head of House, for that matter.”

“Minerva, you must learn to lighten up!” the Headmaster announced, voice slightly nasal from underneath the utensil. “Would it hurt you to appreciate Severus’ talents? I myself am thoroughly enjoying his spooning ability!”

Lupin was forced to abandon his feigned composure at last and faked a coughing fit, but Severus could clearly see the smirk behind his hairy-knuckled hand. Having endured more than was tolerable, Severus shoved back his chair and stormed out of the room with a curt “Excuse me!”

“Quite entertaining,” he heard the Headmaster announce behind his back, “what that man can do with a piece of flatware.”

Back in his quarters, Severus scowled at the pile of books on his desk, none of which had helped at all. The spoon remained firmly affixed to his nose, dangling infuriatingly. Its metallic surface had deflected most of the counter-hexes he had attempted, and merely absorbed any of them that had gotten through. Severus even wedged his wand in between his face and the spoon and tried to blow it off from underneath, but only managed to give himself a massive nosebleed.

It didn’t really get much worse than having a nosebleed while a spoon was stuck to one’s nose.

Still pressing a stained handkerchief to his face, Severus was not in a good mood when he arrived at Remus Lupin’s office. He snarled at the door for a moment before pounding on it.

Remus opened the door as Severus was pulling back his fist for the fifth time, and it took every ounce of his maturity not to swing forward anyway.

“Something amiss, Severus?” the accursed werewolf asked pleasantly, not bothering to hide his smile this time.

“Don’t toy with me, Lupin!” Severus stormed past him into his office. “I’m fully aware that you are behind this! I demand to know the counter-hex!”

“Do you know, I’ve heard that you’ve applied for my position repeatedly,” Lupin closed the door and regarded Severus thoughtfully. “One wonders why Hogwarts would need a Defense professor who can’t even pry a spoon off his own nose?”

“I’m warning you, Lupin,” Severus snapped. “It would not be a difficult thing to add just a dash too much Wolfsbane in your potion this month!”

“Now, now, let’s not get violent.” Lupin’s infuriating smile ratcheted up a notch. “This particular spell happens to have a very simple release.”

Snape opened his mouth to make some more demands, but Lupin started advancing on him, forcing Severus to back up step by step until he bumped into Lupin’s desk. Lupin reached out and grasped the edge of his desk on either side of Severus, trapping him, and leaned in even closer.

“Release me at once!” Severus leaned back as far as he could, but Lupin kept right on leaning in. At exactly the wrong moment, Severus’ cock decided to join in the fun, very interested in being pressed against the first person in quite some time. “What do you think you’re doing?!”

Lupin didn’t answer, just pressed in a bit closer, and just when Severus was absolutely sure that his lips were going to meet Lupin’s, spoon or no spoon, Lupin touched his nose to the back of the utensil. The spoon dropped immediately, as though it hadn’t been stuck at all, and hit the carpet with a dull thump.

“Breaking the spell,” Lupin answered, still infuriatingly calm even as Severus was having a hard time drawing a full breath. “You merely have to get another person’s nose close enough to confuse the spoon, drops right off. What did you think I was doing, Severus?”

Severus tried to push Lupin away, but Lupin’s grip tightened on the desk, and Severus accomplished nothing but bumping his crotch against Lupin.

“Aha,” Lupin’s eyebrow raised. “I see. Would you like help with that as well?”

“Get away from me,” Severus spat. “You’re exactly like you were in school, playing your ridiculous tricks and thinking you can take anything you like.”

“That’s not really an accurate description of the situation,” Lupin said, pressing flush against Severus and letting his own erection make the acquaintance of Severus’ thigh. “After all, I don’t really like you at all. But as for taking you, I think I might at that.”

“You’ve lost your mind if you think I’m going to be under you any time soon!” Severus shoved forward again, but Lupin had been anticipating his move and merely used the momentum to push him up onto the desk.

“If there’s one thing a werewolf knows when he sees one, it’s a bottom,” Lupin edged Severus just a bit further back to truly sit on the desk and slid between his legs, “and you, sir, are a bottom.”

Severus’ exclamation of rage turned into a gasp when Lupin leaned forward to nip his neck. He tried to struggle a bit more, but all it served to do was make his robes ride up, and he couldn’t suppress either the groan or the arch when Lupin’s hands were suddenly under them, gripping his thighs.

“Sod off!” he snarled when he could get the air in to do so.

“Wonderful suggestion,” Lupin grinned, letting his thumbs graze just a bit higher and press into Severus’ balls. He laughed suddenly, throwing his head back a bit and flashing a pale throat that Severus would have liked nothing better than to tear out. “Why, Severus, teaching all those impressionable young minds without the benefit of undergarments? You really are a pervert, aren’t you?”

“Got rather tired of people flipping me over to have a look at them!”

Lupin merely laughed again as he wrapped one hand tightly around Severus’ cock, and Severus cursed his body’s ridiculous obsession with sex as it thrust into Lupin’s hand. Something tightened in his chest as he watched Lupin pushing aside his own robes with one hand and giving his own cock a squeeze. Severus preferred to think the tightness was revulsion.

Apparently satisfied with his own state, Remus let go of himself and murmured an Accio, giving Severus’ a wink and his cock a little squeeze.

“Oh, ha ha, very clever wandplay,” Severus snarked, bracing his arms against the desk so he could glare properly. A jar of lubricant sailed out of Lupin’s desk and into his palm with a cheerful smack.

“We could go without,” Lupin shrugged, setting the jar down and twirling open the lid. “You’re nearly ready enough for it, you tart.” Severus muttered something unintelligible and leaned his head back, closing his eyes so he wouldn’t have to see Lupin greasing himself up.

“Not one for undue preparation, Lupin?” Severus asked when Lupin’s cock pressed against his entrance without preamble. “How very Gryffindor.”

“Taking it up arse, Severus?” Lupin replied. “How very Slytherin.”

“Black was a Slytherin after all, then.”

Severus couldn’t entirely muffle the cry when Lupin shoved into him hard. His eyes flew open, and he found himself being stared down by a snarling werewolf. Eyes narrowed and teeth bared, Lupin made sure Severus felt every inch of his cock as he slid almost entirely out with excruciating slowness.

“Fuck you,” Lupin growled, and Severus would have replied that he was already there if Lupin hadn’t been slamming balls-deep back into his arse. Severus cried out again, but let the satisfaction at having driven Lupin past civility show plainly on his face. Lupin pounded him harder, but it was worth it.

Severus leaned over onto one elbow so that he could reach down with the other hand and stroke himself, taking what pleasure out of the encounter that he could. And if he spilled over his hand only a minute or two later, well, it had been quite some time, hadn’t it? One could do worse than a thick werewolf cock, no matter who it had the misfortune to be attached to.

Several thrusts later, Severus felt Lupin’s final pulse, and Lupin stilled above him, gasping for air. By the time Lupin lifted his head to shake damp hair out of his face, the mask of pleasantness was firmly back in place.

“This was remarkably like school, as a matter of fact,” he commented, delivering a jovial, but stinging, slap to Severus’ arse as he pulled out. “You haven’t changed either, it seems. Where was it we used to go?”

“You know damned well where it was,” Severus snarled, pushing Lupin aside to slide off the desk and yank his robes into order. “But it might please you to know that Potter’s insufferable son sits in that very seat every day in my class.”

Something flickered in Lupin’s gaze, but he had far too good a grip on himself by then. He merely smiled in return as he readjusted his own robes. “No doubt he’s asked about the scratch marks, then. I do hope you told him the truth? I’ve overheard him remarking that he’d like to see you in that very position on many occasions.”

Seething, Severus stormed towards the door and yanked it open.

“Oh and Severus,” Lupin called cheerfully. “Don’t bother bringing your own spoon to breakfast. Who knows what I might do to the fork.”

“Stick it in your ear!” Severus shouted, slamming the door as an exclamation point.

Alone in the hallway, Severus cursed himself for giving the werewolf ideas. He consoled himself with the thought that if Lupin did hex his fork, there was an off-chance that Dumbledore would choose to imitate the ear-forking just for fun.

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