Harry Potter, He’s Not Heavy, He’s My Boggart

Title: He’s Not Heavy, He’s My Boggart [Sirius/Remus, James/Lily]
Rating/Warnings: NC-17 for good old buttsex and voyeurism
Summary: Remus is forced to do his Boggart lesson apart from the other Gryffindors, and his Boggart gives James more blackmail material than should be legal. How far will Remus go to keep Sirius from finding out what’s he’s most afraid of?
A/N: For the 2004 MWPP FQF. My challenges were: 50 (the Marauder’s Map tells one boy exactly what another thinks of him… ), 18 (The boys get their hands on an illegal magical item), and 25 (The boys have to face a boggart in their DADA class). Thanks to musesfool, who helped me prune the rampant plot and let me ramble on about the upward struggle with Remus.

He’s Not Heavy, He’s My Boggart

“Sorry you have to do this lesson over with me,” Remus said, tapping his wand against his thigh as they walked down the hallways to the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom. “McGonagall thought I might incriminate myself in front of everyone.”

“No worries,” James shrugged. They reached the classroom door, and he pulled it open and motioned Remus through. “I didn’t get to have a go during class anyhow.” They stepped into the classroom, deserted except for the Defense professor and a large Boggart case.

“Just as well!” Professor Eneffle greeted them, standing up from his desk. “You should never tackle a Boggart alone. If it manages to hit just the right nerve, even the best wizard can freeze up at the wrong moment.”

Professor Eneffle left his desk to walk over to the Boggart case and began fiddling with the locks. As Remus and James made their way through the rows of desks, Remus reflected that he rather enjoyed Eneffle, a decent guy really, and he’d be sad to see him go. He remarked as much quietly to James.

“Never know,” James grinned, “maybe he’ll make it the whole year after all, break the curse.” Remus and he caught eyes for a moment before both started snickering.

“All set, boys, all set!” Eneffle called, waving them closer, oblivious to their exchange. “Ready to give her a whirl?”

Shifting his grip on his wand, Remus glanced at James and nodded. Professor Eneffle threw open the cabinet door and stepped back. Something wriggled in the depths of the cabinet before a long-limbed, dark-haired teenager clambered out to stand in front of a dumbfounded pair of Marauders.

“Moony!” Sirius Black bellowed, “You know what would be really great? If we spent every waking moment together!”

Remus made a strangled noise and backed up a step.

“I mean it, just think of it!” Sirius continued, approaching Remus with a coaxing smile. “Everywhere you go, I’ll be right there! Standing as close to you as possible! We’ll even breathe the same air!”

Remus’ trance was broken by James’ roar of laughter, but he hadn’t so much as lifted his wand yet when the Boggart, distracted by the noise, turned to James and abruptly changed into Madam Pomfrey reporting earnestly that James was too hurt to play in the final Quidditch match for the season.

James, face bright red, lifted his wand to squeeze off a breathless “Riddikulus!” Madam Pomfrey immediately changed back to Sirius, who announced that he’d written some poetry about how Remus would never be alone even for a moment ever again.

Glaring at James, who was by now doubled over laughing, Remus snarled a hasty Riddikulus of his own at the Boggart, but his heart wasn’t in it and the best he could manage was to give Sirius a pair of lime green leather trousers. Sirius peered at himself for a moment before the grin returned.

“Moony!” He tossed his hair and winked. “Isn’t green your favorite color?”

James gave an enormous whoop and toppled over onto the ground. Remus was too flustered to come up with anything funnier to turn the Boggart into, so Professor Eneffle stepped in to deliver the final blow. Turning its attention to the Professor, the Boggart changed briefly into a writhing pile of Devil’s Snare before tangling itself into a hopeless knot, and then exploding in a flash of light.

Leaving the Professor staring at one student who was practically choking with embarrassment, and another who was convulsing on the floor.

“Right then,” Eneffle said, “not a bad go really. Potter, you in particular seemed to have things under control from a humor perspective. Lupin…er…you know it’s a bit ironic…”

Remus glared, and Eneffle seemed to think better of whatever comment he was going to make. Grabbing Remus’ arm for leverage, James staggered back to his feet, swaying a bit and still chortling.

“Well, unpredictable buggers,” Eneffle blustered hurriedly. “Never can tell with them, that’s what makes them dangerous, excellent work both of you, off with you, go on!”

James was still snickering helplessly when they were halfway back to the dormitory. Every time it seemed like he’d got a hold of himself, he’d glance over at Remus and start up all over again, gasping things like “every waking moment!” and “poetry!”.

“Listen James,” Remus finally said, “you aren’t going to tell Sirius about this, right?”

“Course I am!” James managed, wiping tears from his eyes. “You should’ve seen your face, mate, your eyes were big as Quaffles!”

“No!” Remus grabbed the front of James’ robes and gave him a good shake. “Listen to me, you can’t tell him!”

“S’funny!” James protested and Remus shook James until his teeth rattled.

“Not funny!” Remus roared. “He’s going to sulk and be unreasonable about the whole thing and he’ll make that face, the one like when you shut the window on his owl, and…and…” Remus took a calming breath and reminded himself that James only responded to things that affected him directly. “What’s it worth to you?”

“Something like this?” James tugged his robes out of Remus’ hands and dusted himself off, suddenly all business. “It’s going to cost you big. Let’s say…any magical favor I want, any time I want.”

“Just the one?” Remus asked dubiously. Grinning malevolently, James assured him he’d save his favor until something suitable came up, and despite serious misgivings, Remus had no choice but to agree and shake on it.

They ran into Peter in the common room, and James stopped to brag about how he’d single-handedly offed the Boggart, with all the relevant details edited out. With no urge to dwell on the humiliating lesson, Remus left James and Peter behind and trudged up to their dormitory, where he found Sirius sprawled lazily across his bed, leafing through a Quidditch magazine. He looked up when the door shut behind Remus and grinned.

“How’d it go?” he asked, patting the space beside him. “Was your Boggart incriminating after all?”

“You could say that,” Remus replied, dragging himself over to flop on his back beside Sirius. “I don’t want to talk about it, really.”

“What a coincidence.” Sirius tossed his magazine to the floor and tugged Remus underneath him. Wrapping arms around his neck, Remus was all too happy to let Sirius cut off any further conversation.

Remus felt the tension drain out of his body and went limp against the pillows, sighing as Sirius’ lips trailed down his neck. When Sirius undid his robes and began flicking open the buttons on his shirt, Remus had already nearly forgotten about his Boggart and his deal with James. In fact, with Sirius’ broom-calloused palms trailing over his skin, Remus was having trouble remembering his own name.

Suddenly the door slammed open, startling Remus and Sirius so badly that Sirius tumbled off the bed.

“I can’t BELIEVE her!” James shouted, storming into the room, Peter trailing behind and looking entirely too amused. “”Do you even KNOW what she…oh for Merlin’s sake, can’t you two contain yourselves for five minutes!”

“This had better be good, James,” Remus growled, jerking his robes closed and willing his heart rate to slow. Sirius climbed back on the bed, rubbing his elbow and grumbling something nowhere near as charitable.

“SHE BROKE UP WITH ME!” James roared.

Sirius and Remus exchanged a dark glance, then Remus heaved himself to a sitting position with a sigh. Sirius, being the concerned best mate that he was, informed James that he had exactly two minutes to explain himself. Peter sat on James’ bed to watch the fun.

In short order, James related that Lily had come into the common room, interrupted the tale of Boggart heroism, got into a huge row with James, and then dumped him before storming up to her room.

“But who CARES?!” Sirius interrupted. “You’ve been saying all week that you were sick of Evans anyway! You were going to break up with her!”

“I was not!” James said in tones of deep scandal.

“You were so! You said you were sick of her citing rules at you all the time!”

“You said that she insulted your Quidditch prowess,” Remus agreed.

“And you said she won’t put out, either,” Peter added.

“I never!” James declared. “And don’t talk about my girlfriend like that!”

“She isn’t your girlfriend,” Peter reminded. James threw himself down on his bed and punched Peter hard in the arm. “You should’ve seen it!” Peter told Remus and Sirius with a grin, pushing James off. “Lily laid right into him and tore him a new one! She ripped him apart! She…”

“THAT’S ENOUGH!” James snarled, giving Peter a kick. “Just whose side are you on here?!”

“She was amazing,” Peter concluded. “I’ve never seen a breakup like it!”

“It’s only a temporary situation,” James informed him through gritted teeth. “Remus, it seems I’ll be calling in that favor earlier than I thought.”

“Favor?” Sirius asked.

“What do you want me to do about it anyway?” Remus said quickly, giving Sirius a nervous glance. “It took you six years to get one chance with her!”

“I don’t know, think of something!” James ordered.

“How about you think of something!” Sirius interrupted loudly. “And how about you do it somewhere else, and take Wormy with you! You may be on the outs with Evans, but some of us were about to get some before you barged in here.”

“I’ll bet you were the one getting it,” James grumbled, “you utter bottom.”

The tips of Sirius’ ears turned red, but he won the staring contest and James crawled off his bed and slunk out of the room, ordering Peter along.

“What do you owe James a favor for?” Sirius asked when they were gone.

“Prefect business, nothing important.” Remus twiddled with a fold in Sirius’ robes. “Don’t worry about it.”

“I know better than to try and get a straight answer out of you,” Sirius snorted. He leaned in against Remus to pick up where they’d left off, kissing him firmly and urging his lips apart. Remus relaxed again in spite of himself, half expecting the door to come slamming open at any moment. He stroked Sirius’ tongue lazily with his own and slipped hands into Sirius’ robes to brush against his chest. Sirius pulled away with a smirk and Remus gazed up at him from under half-closed eyelids.

“I’ll just ask James about it later,” Sirius grinned. Remus ground his teeth and nearly shoved Sirius back off the bed, but then thought he’d better get as much sex in as possible before James blew his secret wide open.

James always had been crap at keeping secrets from Sirius.

“I know what I want from you,” James announced to Remus the next night, pulling Remus aside after the Prefects’ meeting. Remus, who had been laughing to himself about several terse barbs that Lily had got in during the meeting, sobered immediately.

“You know already?” he asked warily. “Don’t you want to think it over some more? For several months, perhaps?”

“No,” James answered, “because I’m crap at keeping secrets from Sirius and I want my favor. Here.”

He handed Remus a folded up paper, and Remus cringed at the jagged edge that no doubt matched a hapless library book. Unfolding the paper and smoothing it out, Remus recognized it as a potion recipe and several of the ingredients as highly questionable.

“James, some of these ingredients…” Remus narrowed his eyes as he finished reading the list and flipped the paper over to see the title. “In fact this whole potion is illegal!”

“It is not!” James protested. “And how would you know anyway, do you go around memorizing illegal spells? Fucking Prefect.”

“You tore this right out of 1037 Useful Yet Illegal Love and Lust Potions!” Remus exclaimed. When James started to protest, Remus jabbed a finger at the heading on the page, which clearly announced the title of the book in large print. “Illegal! Right there!”

“Damn, should’ve torn that off as well,” James swore. “Look, do you want me to tell Sirius? No? Then looks like you’re brewing useful yet illegal potion number 419! And look sharp about it, I don’t fancy any more meetings where Evans announces that my eleven-inch wand is overcompensation.”

“James,” Remus gave the recipe a skeptical look, “do you really think this is going to change Lily’s entire attitude about you?”

“It’s designed for that exact purpose. If you do it right,” James gave Remus the Eye, “it’ll be powerful enough to make Sirius write love poetry for Snivellus…” James started to snicker, “…sorry, Sirius writing love poetry, bloody hell that was funny…”

It took James a week with the Invisibility Cloak to get all the ingredients that he couldn’t owl away for. He had the worst time with the Cuddling Brambles, and Remus hoped he’d have to change his mind after he couldn’t procure them, but on the third try, James returned from the Forbidden Forest triumphant, yet not as jubilant as one might have expected.

“Bloody centaurs,” he grumbled, slipping off the cloak and dropping a crumpled packet on Remus’ bed. Several crumbling leaves fell out of his sleeve as well. “Think they know everybody’s business.”

Eyeing the packet, Remus reluctantly asked what James was on about now.

“I was doing perfectly fine on my own!” James exclaimed while he was stripping off his torn and mud-stained clothes. “And this stupid centaur waltzes up and gives me that!”

“A centaur? Are you sure?” Remus asked, eyebrows raising. “Why would a centaur help you get ingredients for an illegal love potion?”

“I should think I could recognize a centaur when I see one!” James snapped. He reached down to scratch at a rather frightening rash on his left leg. “I don’t know why! I asked, but he just spouted some rubbish about destiny, said even the stars need help sometimes, or some tripe like that.”

Disregarding James’ ridiculous ramblings without too much thought, Remus reluctantly set to work on the potion, drafting Peter into service for most of the brewing. They used a strange room on the third floor that Sirius had discovered while prowling about, although it always took a bit of searching to find the doorway.

“You really owe James something big, don’t you?” Peter asked after several nights’ work, while they were dicing lovebird feathers. Remus grunted. He almost sliced his finger off completely when Peter said “Sirius was your Boggart, wasn’t he?”

“Wha?!” Remus looked as neutral as he could with a bleeding finger stuck in his mouth. “Ah oon’t oh ut our alking a out.”

“I knew it!” Peter’s eyes twinkled triumphantly. “Give over, Moony, it was right after that extra Boggart session that you went all funny, you’ve been letting Sirius get away with murder ever since, like you’re afraid of him pulling a Lily. The Boggart didn’t break up with you, did it? In front of the professor? Cause that would be…” Peter started snickering, “that would be awful.”

“No, the Boggart didn’t break up with me!” Remus snapped, examining his finger. Unfortunately, he didn’t seem likely to bleed to death any time soon. “And I don’t want to talk about it!” He paused for a moment. “You worked all that out on your own?”

“Mostly,” Peter shrugged, grinning. “Plus James is crap at keeping secrets from Sirius.”

“So I’ve gathered,” Remus answered sourly. “He’d better keep this one, or this potion is going right over his head, and then I’m giving him to Snape as an early Christmas present.”

Just then the potion turned a revolting shade of fuchsia and began emitting heart-shaped bubbles which wafted up into the air for several feet before drifting back down over them.

“Fuck,” Remus said, scooting out of the way and dragging Peter with him. “Don’t touch them!”

“What, isn’t it supposed to look like that?” Peter asked, peering at the directions.

“No, that’s exactly what its supposed to look like,” Remus said grimly. “Here, give me your mirror.”

Peter dug the small mirror out of his pocket and handed it to Remus. Palming it, Remus breathed over the glass and said “Prongs”, then waited for a moment, watching Peter pop the heart bubbles with the tip of his wand. A clear note, like clinking crystal glasses together for a toast, sounded each time one popped, and Peter laughed every time.

“It’s ready,” a very surly Remus announced when James’ face finally appeared in the mirror. “Bring something to dip in it, unless you think you can convince Lily to let you pour strange goo on her skin. She’ll have to hold onto it for at least a few minutes.”

James pondered this for a moment, then his face cleared.

“I’ve got just the thing!” he said. “Don’t go anywhere, I’ll come to you.”

Just before the mirror went blank, Remus saw James look over his shoulder and call “Oi, Padfoot!” With a sigh, Remus handed the mirror back to Peter and prepared himself for an invasion of Potter and Black. Peter was still at it with the bubbles, and Remus popped a few himself to pass the time, very careful not to get any of the gunk on himself.

A little while passed before the door thudded open behind them, and Remus caught the end of Sirius’ sentence.

“…right bloody here the whole time, you must’ve walked right by it twice at least! Wotcher, Moony, Wormtail.”

“Wotcher, Sirius,” Remus replied, not turning around. He blinked when a red rose was thrust in front of his face from above, and felt his cheeks grow warm. “Oh, Padfoot, that’s…” he tilted his head back to see James grinning down at him, “…I see.”

“You complete girl,” James snickered, and Sirius punched him in the shoulder.

“Shove off, you’re the one prancing about with a flower,” Sirius said, throwing himself down onto the ground beside Remus and leaning over to ruffle his hair. He examined the potion, letting his arm fall casually across Remus’ shoulders, and watched Peter exploding bubbles for a moment before rolling his eyes. Remus returned his attention to James and his flower.

“Is that rose going to last long enough for this?” Remus asked.

“Got a quality Preservation Charm on,” James assured, “it’ll last forever. Do I just dip it in?”

Remus paused, seriously considering calling this whole thing to a halt…but as he was inhaling the air to do it, Sirius began rubbing his thumb over the spot where Remus’ neck met his shoulder, smoothing out the tension gathered there.

“Yes,” Remus sighed instead. “Get the whole thing in and let it seep overnight, but don’t get any of it on your skin.”

Remus watched with fatalistic detachment as James dropped the rose into the cauldron, then pulled a handkerchief out of his pocket and nudged most of the stem under.

“This is perfect,” James said, “I’ve got a Head Couple meeting tomorrow, we can pick it up right before and it’ll still be fresh!”

Meanwhile, Peter was still popping bubbles with abandon, and the noise was beginning to grate on Remus’ nerves.

“Knock it off, Wormy!” Sirius ordered. “Besides, it’s more fun to do it like this.”

Sirius leaned forward suddenly and stuck out his tongue. Remus shouted “No don’t…!” and tried to yank him back, but he was too late, and a large fuchsia heart landed squarely on Sirius’ tongue. It balanced for a breathless moment before exploding with a cheerful tinkling.

“…touch it.” Remus finished.

Sirius sat back, looking a bit dazed, and Remus asked if he was all right. Sirius stared at him blankly for a moment before his fingers pressed tighter into Remus’ shoulders, and Remus actually saw his pupils dilate.

“I think,” Remus swallowed, flicking a glance towards the other marauders, “that you two might want to leave. Now.”

“But…” James protested.

Sirius ran the tip of his tongue over his upper lip.

“RIGHT NOW!” Remus ordered. He heard some scuffling, but didn’t look, not even when the door slammed. He couldn’t tear his gaze away from Sirius’ eyes, which were dilating still further, until his irises were only grey rings around the edges.

Sirius lunged for Remus suddenly, and Remus grunted as his shoulder blades slammed painfully into the floor underneath him. He caught sight of the cauldron out of the corner of his eye, a little too close for comfort, and could only imagine the carnage that would occur if they knocked the whole thing over. Remus wasn’t sure if one could actually be fucked to death, but he had the sinking suspicion that if he didn’t get Sirius away from the cauldron he might find out.

Remus began trying to subtly ease Sirius in a safer direction. When that didn’t work, he shoved Sirius hard enough to send him sprawling over onto his back away from the danger zone. Remus rolled over and followed him closely, cursing as his knees dug into the floor.

“What this room needs is some fucking cushions,” Remus spat, collapsing gratefully onto Sirius, whose head might be thick but whose body was certainly softer than the floor.

“Maybe just some fucking.” Heat lit up Sirius’ eyes just before he rolled Remus over again, apparently bent on being on top for once. Remus braced himself for another impact, and was surprised to come to a rest on something soft.

“Were these cushions here before?” Remus asked, stretching his neck to get a better look on the large pillows on which he was laying.

“Don’t care, shut up, no clothes!” Sirius announced, rucking Remus’ robes up and out of his way. Laughing and trying to fend off Sirius long enough to actually undo his buttons properly, Remus finally managed to free himself of the tangled fabric while Sirius was occupied undoing his trousers.

They continued to wrestle for dominance as Remus helped Sirius peel off his own clothes, getting in each other’s way more than helping, until there was nothing separating skin from smooth, hot skin. Remus more than half suspected that some of the lust potion had made its way into his mouth from Sirius’, and also into the crease of his neck and over one nipple. And…

“Oh god,” Remus whined as Sirius’ tongue drew a tingling spiral on the underside of his cock. “Christ, Padfo…hunh…oh, if you’re going to fuck me, you…hehhhh…you’d better…Padfoot, where the hell did you get that?”

Remus blinked sweat out of his eyes to be sure, but when they cleared Sirius was still crouching between his legs, holding up a tube of lubricant.

“Dunno,” Sirius said, flipping the cap off, completely heedless of where on the floor it rolled off to. “Don’t care.”

And then a slick finger was pushing inside Remus and he didn’t really care either, he was only vaguely glad that they’d tried switching positions once on a whim a few weeks ago because the last thing Remus needed was to lose the vestigial traces of his virginity while Sirius was hopped up on a lust potion he’d brewed for James to dose Lily with.

Although, for somebody who purportedly was hopped up on a lust potion, Sirius was sure taking his sweet time with the preparation.

“Stop pissing about down there,” Remus growled, pushing against Sirius’ fingers, “and just get on with it!”

“You’re an awfully pushy bottom,” Sirius said, sliding his fingers out and stroking his own cock a few times.

“I’m not a bottom at all,” Remus informed him. “I’m merely secure enough in my dominance to let you have a go once in while.” Sirius smirked at him and gave a few more strokes, making Remus snarl in frustration. “Now you’re doing it on purpose! Inside now!”

Sirius’ eyes lit up and he dropped his hand immediately, as if that was what he’d been waiting for all along. Remus would’ve teased about topping from the bottom if Sirius hadn’t finally been pushing his cock into Remus, working his way inside with a series of shallow thrusts.

“Oh hell,” Sirius breathed, and Remus was entranced by the way sweaty strands of dark hair were falling into his eyes, and how the corners of his eyes were crinkled in concentration. “Bloody fuck, Moony, fuck yes…”

“Harder,” Remus ordered, a whine slipping out of his throat when Sirius complied. Remus wrapped his legs around Sirius’ waist to force him closer and let his head fall back against the cushions, Sirius’ stream of rough obscenities washing over him. He arched when Sirius wrapped a hand around his cock and fisted him, the skin of his cock tingling under Sirius palm.

“Want you to come,” Sirius announced, and Remus cracked an eye to find him staring down at Remus imperiously. Remus dug his heels into the small of Sirius’ back, driving him in deeper.

“You come,” Remus ordered, and Sirius obeyed immediately, his clenching hand driving Remus over the edge only a few moments after.

Sirius was still leaning over Remus as he came down, both of them taking open-mouthed gulps of air. Remus realized slowly that the tingling in certain places hadn’t faded, and after flexing his legs a little, sensed that Sirius was still a-tingle as well.

“You’re still hard.” Sirius wrinkled his brow, giving Remus’ cock an experimental squeeze.

“Some of us had lust potion applied directly to our bits,” Remus reminded him. He flexed several other muscles. “Good thing too, as you seem to be ready to go again…”

Several hours later, Sirius was sprawled bonelessly across Remus’ chest, showing no signs of imminent movement. His back looked smooth and perfect in the warm light of several dozen candles flickering around the edges of the room, and Remus was far too shagged out to even think about where they’d come from.

“I’m never moving again,” Sirius reported.

“Good,” Remus answered, twisting pieces of Sirius’ hair around his fingers lazily, “because I’m fairly sure we’re actually glued together by a combination of sweat, lube, come, and lust potion.”

“A crude yet effective adhesive,” Sirius yawned. “We should market it, make millions. We could call it ‘Stuck On You’. You’re really going to let James give this stuff to Evans?”

“First of all, Lily isn’t going to ingest it,” Remus said, giving one strand of hair a little yank, “unlike some people who were told specifically not to touch it.” Sirius harrumphed. “Secondly, it won’t be near this…er, effective after it’s simmered overnight. It’ll just be a plain attraction potion by tomorrow. And thirdly, nice try.”

Sirius said nothing, and Remus might have assumed that he’d expired if it wasn’t for the warm breath brushing his collarbone every few seconds. Reluctantly, Remus’ thoughts turned to cleaning up the potion supplies and returning to their dormitory, which seemed miles away.

“You’re thinking about moving,” Sirius accused. “Stop it.”

Remus gave a little sigh and resolved to heave himself off the floor, but as he was preparing to tense some muscles, Sirius pressed a lazy kiss to the hollow above his collarbone and all of his initiative evaporated. Remus told himself that he’d only doze for a bit before he got up, and his eyes were just fluttering shut when he had a thought.

“Padfoot,” he murmured, “where did James get that rose?”

“Me,” Sirius answered sleepily. “Patch of ’em…outside greenhouse one…brought it in f’you…” Sirius gave a little snore as punctuation.

“You complete girl,” Remus laughed, nuzzling Sirius’ hair.


Late the next afternoon, Remus returned to the weird room with James and Peter to find the potion bubbling much more sluggishly and the fuchsianess far reduced. Remus was further relieved to note that the cushions and the candles seemed to have been some sort of lust-potion-induced hallucination.

The relief was not outweighing his irritation with James at that moment, however. James was positively bouncing off the wall, keeping up a steady stream of chatter about Lily and the flower and what a mate Remus was, with no signs that he was going to stop for breath anytime soon as he fished the rose out of the cauldron and let the excess potion drip off. Peter was glancing in the cauldron with obvious misgivings.

“Remus,” he said hesitantly, voice nearly drowned out by James’ rambling, “listen, I saw you and Sirius this morning, clearly you’ve had a rough night and…are you sure you should let James do this to Lily?”

“What do you mean, had a rough night?” Remus asked. He and Sirius had been very careful about creeping back in, and even if Sirius had refused to sleep in his own bed, Remus had pulled the hangings.

“It’s just,” Peter blushed, “well, you’re limping, Moony. And you sort of cringe every time you try to sit down…”

A fresh burst of nattering from James interrupted Peter as Remus turned scarlet. Unable to look Peter in the eye and with his headache pounding in his ears, Remus finally shouted for James to shut the fuck up.

James stopped mid-word and stared for a second before starting right back up again. Grinding his teeth, Remus fumbled in his pocket for a handkerchief and snatched the rose out of James’ hand.

“Here.” He thrust the rose at Peter. “Take this, give it to Lily, and for the love of Merlin don’t touch it yourself! And you!” Remus thrust a finger at James. “You have to swear you aren’t going to tell Sirius once you’ve got what you wanted!”

“Are you calling me a welcher?” James drew himself up and looked indignant. “That was the deal, wasn’t it?”

“We both know how crap you are at secrets with Sirius!” Remus eyed James warily. “If I find out you’ve so much as mentioned my Boggart to him, I’ll tell Lily everything.”

James blustered some more, but his grin was back in full force by the time he hustled Peter out the door on the way to find Lily. Remus stayed behind to gather up their incriminating supplies, groaning every time he bent over to pick something up. Just before he Vanished the remaining potion, Remus found a jar laying about that Peter must have left there, and it reminded Remus that perhaps he ought to save a bit of the batch. Long-term Marauder experience had taught him that it was always wise to keep something you could test antidotes with.

Remus dropped the armful of cauldron and ingredients with a sigh of relief as soon as he got in the dormitory door, rubbing his aching arms. He kicked off his shoes and crawled into his bed, throwing an arm carelessly over the snoozing Padfoot and curling up against his back. Sirius gave a sleepy “Oi” and wriggled a little, rolling over and snuggling his forehead against Remus’ neck.

“Missed you,” he said.

“What?” Remus rolled his eyes, assuming Sirius was teasing. “I was only gone half an hour and you were probably asleep the whole time.”

“Missed you,” Sirius repeated stubbornly. “But now you’re back and things are better.”

Shrugging off the twinge of unease, Remus let Sirius snuggle where he wanted and settled in to catch his own nap.

The twinge returned when Sirius sat as close to Remus as possible during dinner, again when Sirius insisted on sprawling right next to Remus while he did homework, and again when he refused a game of Exploding Snap with Peter that would’ve meant leaving Remus’ general vicinity.

“You feeling all right?” Remus asked, peering at Sirius, who had never once in the last seven years missed a single chance to explode something. Sirius murmured that he was just fine and inched a bit closer.

The twinge of unease settled into a steady throb in his stomach when Sirius crawled into his bed after lights out and claimed that he couldn’t sleep alone in his own bed. It only got worse the next day when Remus had to beg Sirius to go to his own class rather than follow him into Runes.

After several days, the potion was still showing no signs of wearing off, and even the sound of Sirius’ breathing was starting to make Remus’ hair stand on end. James, meanwhile, was having the time of his life.

“It’s the best thing ever!” he announced with enthusiasm as he was changing for bed. “She sits next to me at dinner, we do homework together, she comes to cheer me on during Quidditch practice, she even wants to be seen in public with me!”

Remus grunted without looking up from his homework, which he was ridiculously far behind on thanks to all the Sirius-related distractions.

“Hey,” James paused, looking around, “where’s Padfoot got to?”

“He thinks we’re playing Hide n Seek.” Remus sat his quill down and waited for the ink on his parchment to dry. “Been hiding for nearly two hours. It’s the only way I could get rid of him for a bit.”

“Huh.” James thought about this for a moment before shrugging it off. “Oh, and you know what else? It turns out Lily’s not a virgin, so there’s none of that ‘waiting for the right time’ bollocks. Isn’t that brilliant?”

Tuning James out, Remus got up from his desk and stretched, thinking about slipping into bed early and stretching out before Sirius’ inevitable return. He pulled back his hangings.

“FOUND ME!” Sirius bellowed, making Remus shriek and backpedal so fast that he tripped on his robes and crashed to the floor, cracking his tailbone painfully.

“Goddammit, Sirius!” Remus yelled. Sirius slid to the floor beside him immediately, eyes wide with concern. He murmured apologies and ran hands over Remus to check for damage until Remus snapped that he was fine.

“Lily acted just like that when I took a Bludger to the knee during practice,” James commented. “Isn’t it cute?”

Remus growled and batted Sirius’ hands away as he struggled to his feet. Just then, Peter came through the door, waving a parchment.

“I’ve got it! Look, get over here, I’ve got it!”

The other three gathered around while Peter explained that he’d come up with something for the security system they’d been working out for the Marauder’s Map. A few weeks ago, they’d hit on the idea of having a passphrase and sent Peter to research charms for it, and he had finally turned up something useful.

“We all cast the charm on a quill and sign our names,” Peter explained. “The Map takes a little sample of our personalities from our handwriting and when everything’s set, a wrong passphrase’ll bring out us as watchdogs. Well, the parchment us, anyhow.”

They all agreed to give it a go, and James produced a quill and ink for them to use. They didn’t notice until the charm had already been cast and James was signing his name carefully that the ink was a blinding shade of green.

“Matches Lily’s eyes,” James reported proudly when Remus and Peter exchanged a glance. Rolling their eyes, the others all signed as well, then waited for a few minutes while the ink dried and the charm had a chance to set. When the ink shimmered and sank into the parchment, leaving behind a blank surface, they knew it was ready for testing.

“Since we haven’t set the passphrase yet,” Peter reminded, “anything we say should get the watchdog response.”

“Wotcher, Map,” Remus said, tapping the parchment with his wand. The Map shivered, then green-inked words appeared.

Mr. Prongs reports that he is crap at keeping secrets from Mr. Padfoot.

“Accurate,” Remus laughed with Sirius and Peter while James scowled, “but looks like the charm needs a bit of fine-tuning…” more words scrolling across the parchment stopped him.

Which is why Mr. Padfoot has been aware of the nature of Mr. Moony’s Boggart for days.

“What!” Remus demanded.

“It slipped out!” James looked sheepish. “It was just so ironic, because Sirius…”

“And you!” Remus rounded on Sirius. “And how could you let me do that to Lily if you already knew?!”

“I didn’t know that’s what James had on you!” Sirius exclaimed. “He didn’t even have it on you!”

James reached over to nudge Remus’ wand off the Map before it said anything else, but as soon as he touched it, more words appeared.

Mr. Padfoot informs Mr. Prongs that he spends far too much time with that bint Evans, and he should’ve stayed thrown over.

“That’s a fine thing to say to your best mate!” James exclaimed.

“You’re the one who had to drug her into being your girlfriend!” Sirius snapped. “And you’re blackmailing Remus to do all your dirty work to boot!”

“I wouldn’t be doing anybody’s dirty work if you’d told me you knew!” Remus shouted.

“I didn’t know I knew!”

“Oi!” Peter stepped in between the other three to try and break the argument, and inadvertently bumped the Map.

Mr. Prongs should also be aware that Mr. Wormtail was having it off with Miss Evans for most of Fifth Year.


James cleared the desk in an impressive scramble and tackled Peter, sending them both crashing to the ground. Ignoring them, Remus continued yelling at Sirius.

“Where do you get off shouting at me?!” Sirius demanded. “You’re the one keeping all the secrets, I should be shouting at you!”

“Geroff!” Peter managed to shake James off and roll out of immediate danger.

“I knew you’d get like this!” Remus crossed his arms.

“That is just not on!” James yelled, struggling to his feet.

“Lay off him!” Remus turned on James. “It isn’t his fault Lily would sleep with anybody before you!”

“Hey!” Peter protested.

“It isn’t his fault that you’d rather fuck Evans over than tell me you want to break up!” Sirius shouted.



“The hell with you!” Sirius snarled, going to stomp out the door.

“No, the hell with you!” James headed for the door as well. Both of them reached the door at the same time and a scuffle ensued over who would storm out first and who would get to slam the door. A black eye and several crushed fingers later, they were gone, their shouting echoing down the hallway.

Remus righted his desk chair so he could sit down and put his head in his hands. He heard Peter plop down on his bed and heave a sigh.

“I can’t believe we didn’t know you were bonking Lily,” Remus finally said.

“It didn’t work out,” Peter shrugged. “She’s had a thing for James the whole time. She just didn’t want to admit it cause he was such a berk. Listen, Remus, maybe you shouldn’t be so hard on Sirius, you know when we did the Boggart…”

Something about that nagged at the back of Remus’ mind, and he interrupted to ask Peter to repeat what he’d just said.

“James is a berk?” Peter blinked. Remus gritted his teeth. “Oh, that Lily had a thing for him! Well, she did, and a big one too. Am I the only one who notices anything around here?”

Remus snatched his schoolbag off the ground and rifled through it until he came up with the potion recipe. He read carefully through the descriptive paragraph but didn’t see any pertinent warnings or information.

“The book that James tore that attraction potion out of,” Remus said, fighting a sinking feeling, “is it still around here someplace?”

A quick search turned up the book buried under a pile of James’ dirty Quidditch robes. Remus flipped through the pages to the beginning of the chapter out of which useful yet illegal potion #419 had been torn. Peter peered over his shoulder and asked what he was looking for.

“This,” Remus sighed, having found the relevant text. ” ‘The following potions should only be used on persons with an active dislike for the object of affection.’ ”

“Guess neither Lily nor Sirius qualifies for that,” Peter observed. He tapped the page. ” ‘Exposure to openly lustful persons may produce effects that include but are not limited to extravagant displays of affection, lack of common sense, dry mouth, hair loss…’ ”

” ‘And obsessive behavior’,” Remus finished. “That explains that, I suppose.” He reached up to rub his forehead. “It says the antidote to the potions is to apply some of the original batch to the lovee and then come into direct contact with the lover.”

“Does that really end the spell,” Peter asked, “or just make you not mind?”

Relieved he’d saved some on impulse, Remus handed the book to Peter and went to unearth the jar of potion from his trunk. It had thickened into a hot pinkish sludge, and Remus had the sinking suspicion that he was going to have to eat some of it since Sirius had. He asked Peter if he was coming along for the de-lusting.

“No way,” Peter said. “Either you find him and it works or you find him and it doesn’t, but either way ends up with nudity and thrusting. I’ll pass.”

Remus tucked the jar into his robes, picked up the book so that he could return it to the library before it caused any more disasters, and set out to search all of Sirius’ usual hiding places. Normally the Map would’ve made the search unnecessary, but Remus had no urge to find out what else it might say if he touched it.

After an hour of searching, Remus had seen no trace of either a sulking Gryffindor or dog, and decided to take a break to return the book. He didn’t even bother to give it to Madam Pince since James would never do anything so simple as actually check the book out, but instead went to reshelf it himself. At the extreme end of a deserted set of stacks, Remus found Sirius hugging his knees on the floor, angry grey eyes glaring from under shaggy dark hair.

“Hello, Sirius,” Remus said, setting the book down on a nearby shelf and approaching carefully.

“Go away,” Sirius growled, hunching himself even deeper into the corner against the shelves. He was somehow managing to look confused and irritated and lustful all at once. “I want to be hacked off with you and I can’t think straight when you’re right there.”

“I know.” Remus kneeled in front of Sirius and pulled out the jar of potion. He set it on the ground and unscrewed the lid. “It’s because of that potion. Hold still a moment.”

Sirius watched suspiciously as Remus dipped a fingertip into the potion, which had the consistency of fingerpaint, and stuck the finger in his mouth, sucking the potion off quickly. With the familiar tingling starting up across his tongue, Remus leaned forward and kissed Sirius just as his mouth was opening for a question.

Sliding hands into Remus’ hair, Sirius pulled him forward and kissed him back fiercely at first, but gradually the intensity softened until Sirius pulled away with a sigh. Remus sat back and watched Sirius expectantly as the buzz of the potion in his mouth faded away. Sirius was staring back with a fogged expression, but after blinking a few times, his eyes cleared and Remus asked how he felt.

“Pretty fucking pissed off!” he announced, going from vapid to furious in an impressively brief span of time. “I’m your Boggart! Why didn’t you just tell me you were so sick of me?!”

“I’m not!” Remus protested. Sirius snorted and crossed his arms. “Well, I am right now, but I wasn’t before this bloody potion!”

“James said it was me,” Sirius said stubbornly. Remus slid closer so that their knees touched.

“It wasn’t just you,” he assured, “it was you wanting to be all over me all the time, every second, so I couldn’t get a moment to think. And writing poetry.” Remus shuddered. “Sirius, I’d tell you if I was really unhappy.”

“Were you happy all this week?” Sirius demanded, glaring. Remus dropped his eyes and pressed his lips together. “See, you wouldn’t!”

“Sirius…” Remus sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “You’re still a bit wonky from the potion wearing off. Why don’t you go have a fly to clear your head, hmm? We can talk later.”

“Why bother?” Sirius snarled, standing up and shouldering past Remus. “You never tell me anything anyway.”

Remus leaned his head against the bookshelf and closed his eyes for a while before he gathered himself together to get up and exit the library. Returning to Gryffindor Tower, he ran into Peter at the Fat Lady, with the Invisibility Cloak over one arm and a bundle of apples cradled in the other. Peter took a large bite out of the apple he was holding in his free hand and asked how it’d gone with Sirius.

“Pretty well,” Remus shrugged, plucking one of the apples out of Peter’s pile. “He’s cured enough to be angry with me,”

“S’ a start,” Peter replied. He gave the Fat Lady a wink. “Cor leonis.” He pushed open the portrait and waved Remus through.

They were halfway across the common room when Remus heard a muffled giggle from the couch in front of the fireplace. From the way he was frozen mid-chew, Remus guessed that Peter must’ve heard it too. He was about to clear his throat loudly to announce their presence when the next giggle ended in a sighed “oh James“.

When a red head appeared above the back of the couch, Remus seized the Invisibility Cloak off Peter’s arm and threw it over both of them. When dark hair that was even more tousled than usual popped up as well, Remus reflected that it was a good thing he was with Peter, because they were the only two Marauders left who could fit under the Cloak together, and even then the thing only fell to a bit below their knees. A few of the whispered words floated over from where Lily was snuggled in James’ lap.

“…spend the morning together tomorrow, before classes…”

“Lily,” James sounded a bit breathless, “I have Quidditch tomorrow morning, you know that.”

“You shouldn’t go,” Lily made a face, “you practice for hours, it’s dangerous, and besides I miss you.”

“But I’m the Captain! I can’t just skive off for no good reason!”

“I’ll give you reasons.”

There was some shuffling around that Peter and Remus couldn’t quite make out, but it was very clear what was going on when Lily pushed herself up using James’ shoulders for leverage and then sank back down straddling his lap. Any doubt about it would have been removed by James’ low moan.

Although Peter seemed to have no compunction about watching, Remus averted his eyes, cheeks burning. His gaze fell on a nearby table where James and Lily had left their homework unattended, just within reach. A nasty grin crept across Remus’ face as he edged a step closer, snatched a quill from the table, and scribbled a note in the margin of Lily’s Herbology essay.

Distracted by the movement, Peter glanced over and was about to ask what Remus was doing when Lily’s voice interrupted.

“Forgot about Quidditch yet?”

“Wha…aaaaAAAhh.” James’ head fell against the back of the couch as Lily came up and back down again, more deliberately this time. Lily would’ve been looking right at Remus and Peter over James’ head if it weren’t for the Cloak, and Remus wasn’t convinced she would’ve stopped even then.

Peter made a strangled noise, and Remus clapped a hand over his mouth.

“Go, up the stairs,” Remus hissed, nudging Peter forward. Peter seemed to get the idea after a second and they shuffled towards the staircase with some semblance of competence, and if the bottom six inches of their legs were showing underneath the Cloak, James and Lily gave no hint they noticed anything in between the “yes James’s” and the “god Lily’s”.

Once upstairs, Peter dropped his apples and bolted for the showers, and Remus could hardly blame him. Since his own sexual tension reliever was currently out clearing his head, Remus settled in to do some homework on his bed. He was only halfway through his Transfigurations essay when his Sirius-induced lack of sleep caught up with him; Remus was out cold before he’d manage to list three of the eight signs that your wardrobe used to be a warthog.

When he woke up, the dormitory was dark, and Peter’s soft snores were drifting across the room. Blinking the sleep from his eyes, Remus saw that James had struggled into bed at some point, although he had apparently only had enough energy left after Lily to flop fully clothed on top of his blankets and pass out.

On his other side, Sirius’ hangings were drawn and dark. Remus slipped out of his bed, stretching out the kinks in his neck and shoulders, then stepped over to Sirius’ bed and pulled the hangings out of his way.

Sirius was curled up on his side under the blankets, but not asleep. He blinked up at Remus, furrowing his brow. Distracted by Sirius’ usual lack of a pajama shirt, Remus had to swallow before he could speak without his voice cracking.

“Mind if I join you?” he asked. Sirius snorted softly, but moved over a bit and Remus crawled in beside him. He took in Sirius’ stiff mien for a moment before asking, “Are we still fighting?”

“Am I still your Boggart?” Sirius replied. Remus sighed and twisted a fold of blankets around his fingers. “I don’t understand why you didn’t just tell me! Why did you go through all this crap with James so I wouldn’t know?” Remus tried to speak but Sirius cut him off. “Do you even know what my Boggart was? Do you?” Remus shook his head. “It was you! You telling me that you couldn’t trust me enough to tell me anything!”

“Oh.” Remus bit his lip.

“Yes, ‘oh’.” Sirius seemed to deflate a little and he sank back against his pillows. “Peter had to step up before it tipped off the whole class about you. Or about us.”

“Which is ironic,” Remus commented, “given the subject at hand.” Remus gave a hopeful smile, but Sirius didn’t seem amused. “C’mon, Pads…”

“Don’t ‘C’mon Pads’ me!”

“Would you two kindly SHUT THE HELL UP!”

Remus looked over his shoulder to see James’ head poking out of his hangings, pillow creases covering one side of his face and hair looking like it was bent on world domination.

“You two are ridiculous!” James snarled at them. “You’re both each other’s Boggart and you’re both idiots, all right? You’re even! There is nothing more to discuss! Now kiss and make up like good shirtlifters! And there’s better be a Silencing Charm straight off because I have to get up at the arsecrack of dawn tomorrow, and if you wake me up with your shagging I’ll Banish you right to McGonagall’s office AS IS!”

James yanked his hangings shut and settled back to sleep with some more muffled cursing. Peter continued snoring as though nothing had happened.

“Even?” Remus asked Sirius hopefully. After chewing his lower lip for a second, Sirius pulled his wand out from under his pillow.

Silencio,” he answered, and Peter’s snores immediately faded out. Warm relief washing through him, Remus lost no time sliding arms around Sirius and pressing against him. Sirius squeezed back and let out a sigh that seemed to come from the pit of his stomach, ruffling Remus’ hair.

Squirming from the tickle of Sirius’ breath across his scalp, Remus turned his head enough to capture Sirius’ mouth.

“Mmm,” he murmured, “missed you.”

“That’s not funny.” Sirius’ scowl turned into another sigh when Remus nuzzled the line of his jaw. Remus brushed fingers over Sirius’ bare side and trailed slow kisses down his neck, edging slowly down Sirius’ body.

“Moony?” Sirius asked, but Remus shushed him with a nip to the collarbone. Sirius ran questioning hands over the ticklish spot right under Remus’ shoulder blades, but, after twisting helplessly for a second, Remus managed to push them away.

“Let me.” The words had an unusual tinge of request rather than command. After meeting Remus’ eyes for a moment, Sirius caught on that he was being apologized to and let his hands drop, flopping back against his pillows with an expectant look. Relating his approval by flicking his tongue over the abused collarbone, Remus continued his downward trajectory.

As he worked his way down Sirius’ chest, Remus let one hand trail across Sirius’ waist, then tugged his pajama pants down just far enough to rub his thumb across the rise of Sirius’ hipbone. A low noise slipped out of Sirius’ throat that made the back of Remus’ neck prickle, and he felt a warm hand tangle in his hair.

“Remus…” Sirius’ breathy moan made Remus shiver as his mouth finally caught up to his hands, lingering over the last few inches until Sirius gave Remus’ hair a commanding tug. Remus flashed a wicked grin before tugging Sirius’ pajamas completely out of the way with his teeth. Sirius whimpered, staring down at Remus with wide eyes. Remus held his gaze deliberately until he finally slid his mouth over Sirius’ cock, making Sirius arch and squeeze his eyes shut.

The heady scent of Sirius surrounded Remus, the salt of Sirius’ skin burning in the back of his throat, and Remus swallowed Sirius as deeply as he could just so he could rub his nose against the warm skin below Sirius’ navel. Splaying fingers across Sirius’ stomach, Remus fought a smile as the coarse dark hairs tickled his cheek and fingers

A host of incoherent half-swears fell from Sirius’ mouth, a sure sign that Remus was well on the way to being forgiven. Humming his contentment around Sirius, Remus lowered one hand to squeeze Sirius’ balls, determined to drive the other boy even past swearing. It only took a few strokes for him to get his wish, and Sirius was reduced to gasping partial syllables of Remus’ name.

Sirius gave a final whimpered curse before arching into Remus’ mouth. Caught a bit off-guard, Remus swallowed what he could, but couldn’t stop the trickle of Sirius sliding down over his fingers. Remus continued sucking Sirius softly until Sirius’ breathing evened out and he was lucid enough to lift his head and give Remus a sated grin.

When Remus was sure he had Sirius’ full attention, he let Sirius’ cock slide out of his mouth, raised his hand, and licked the back of his fingers clean with long, slow strokes. By the time he smiled back at Sirius self-consciously, Sirius’ jaw was hanging open.

There was a bare second of pause before Sirius lunged forward and tackled Remus to the bed underneath him, kissing him until Remus had to wriggle away, laughing and gasping for air. The laughter turned into a gasp when Sirius reached between them and got a good grip on Remus’ cock. Remus bumped foreheads with Sirius and growled softly.

“Just so we’re even,” Sirius murmured, nuzzling Remus’ ear before nibbling sharply on the lobe. Thrusting into Sirius’ hand, Remus was too far gone already to last long, and in a few more strokes it was Sirius’ turn to lick Remus off his fingers.

Stretching lazily, Remus watched Sirius reach over to snatch his abandoned pillows from the other end of the bed. Snurching a pillow and sticking it under his head, Remus pulled Sirius down beside him and snuggled against him, burying his face in Sirius’ neck. The steady thud of Sirius’ heartbeat was already lulling Remus into deep relaxation when Sirius started shifting about.

“Do you mind budging over a bit?” he asked, sounding uncertain about his request. Remus blinked up at him in surprise. “It’s just that I’m sweltering…”

Remus laughed and leaned up to kiss Sirius firmly before rolling over onto his side.

“I don’t understand you,” Sirius grumbled. He turned over and settled in just close enough that Remus could feel the heat of Sirius’ back warming his own.

Hours later, Remus was dragged from the depths of sleep by someone shaking his shoulder.

“…up, wake up, you damn poofters! Remus! Sirius! Wake UP!”

“Huzzat?” Remus asked, peeling open his eyes, and he heard a muffled “clang” against his shoulder. He blinked a few times and saw James standing in front of them in Quidditch robes, waving his broom impatiently.

“You two,” James said quickly, “if Lily comes looking for me, say you haven’t seen me, but I’m looking for her, got it?”

“That doesn’t even makes sense…”

“Just do it!” James snapped. Remus noted a glint of desperation in his eyes and decided he didn’t really want to have what was clearly a losing argument.

“Fine, all right.” Remus turned his back as James rushed out and slammed the door behind him. He came nose to nose with a yawning Sirius, who gave him a sleepy smile as soon as he’d got his mouth closed.

“Morning,” Remus greeted, pushing Sirius’ case of Potterhair out of his eyes.

“Not yet it isn’t,” Sirius grumbled, sliding arms around Remus and settling in against his chest, “more sleep.” There was a minute or so of slouchy silence before he spoke again. “Are you really going to cover for James with Lily?”

“Oh, I’ve got him covered, believe me.” Remus gave a mean chortle. “I took the liberty of writing some pertinent information on Lily’s homework last night while she was otherwise occupied.”

“Moony, that’s cold!” Sirius snickered, fishing around behind him with a hand for the blanket to pull over them. “Ten Galleons says he’s back here before breakfast demanding the antidote.”

“Too bad his book’s back in the library then, isn’t it?” Remus answered. “He wanted his damn favor, he can have it.”

“And people think you’re the nice Marauder,” Sirius teased, finally managing to get the blanket sorted. “Shame it’ll only take James a day or two to get the antidote out of Peter, his suffering should be worth more than a little entertainment.”

“Peter?” Remus raised an eyebrow. “I thought he’d have it from you by the end of lunch.”

“Haven’t you learned anything from this?” Sirius asked, propping himself up on one elbow.

“Yes. I’ve learned not to fight Boggarts in public, not to ingest fresh lust potion, not to touch parchments that know things about you…”

“All true!” Sirius interrupted, “but more important is the fact that James is crap at keeping secrets from me, while I am perfectly capable of keeping my mouth shut. In the right circumstances.”

“Oh?” Remus eyed Sirius. “Would the right circumstances happen to be now, when you can watch Evans throw James over for the second time this week?”

“A perfect example!” Sirius grinned. “Hopefully in the Great Hall, that way it’ll be dinner and a show.”

“Hmm,” Remus took a handful of Sirius’ hair and pulled him over for a kiss, “let me show you a circumstance where keeping your mouth shut is definitely not preferred…”

He hadn’t even got Sirius’ pants off yet before James came slamming in the door and earned Sirius ten Galleons.

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