One Piece, Poker in the Rear

Title: Poker in the Rear [The Straw Hat Pirates]
Fandom: One Piece
Rating/Warnings: R because there is a reindeer. Fucking One Piece *cries*
Summary: Chopper thinks his definition of ‘nakama’ might be different than these freaks’.
AN: Mousapelli’s Birthday Theme 1: Unexpected interspecies love.

Poker in the Rear

“You know how to play Grand Line Poker, right, Chopper?”

“Nuh-uh.” Chopper shook his head, and that was how he had come to be sitting on the deck between Zoro and Luffy, tongue sticking out in concentration as he struggled to hold a hand of cards with his hooves. The cards were covered in strange colors and symbols, and kind of looked like Luffy had drawn them himself.

The difference between Grand Line Poker and any real card game seemed to be that whoever was dealing at the moment got to make up the rewards and punishments.

“Whoever loses this next hand,” Zoro said as he perused his cards and moved a few cards around between his fingers, “has to take it up the ass from the winner.”

“Ha ha!” Chopper tittered, thinking that the Doctor had sure been right when he talked about pirate potty mouths. They had practiced yelling pirate insults at each other sometimes, but it was nothing compared to the professionals, Chopper thought, his eyes sparkling with how cool his nakama were.

“Ahh, Zoro!” Luffy protested. “That’s no fair!”

“It’s fair if I say it is,” Zoro smirked. “I’m dealing.”

“But you like it too much!”

Chopper’s grin froze in place as he glanced from Zoro to Luffy, and he almost relaxed when Zoro growled, “Are you accusing me of something?” but then nearly dropped his cards when Zoro added, “Because I don’t think I have to lose at cards to get it up the ass from you!”

“That’s true!” Luffy exclaimed, slapping his knee and laughing. “Nobody can lose at cards that much!”

“Will you just go already!” Zoro demanded, and Chopper glanced at his cards nervously. What would happen if he lost? What would happen if he won?

It didn’t take him long to find out, since Grand Line Poker was a very fast-paced game once you got past the spitting and yelling stage.

“Wowee, Chopper!” Luffy exclaimed, slapping a shell-shocked Chopper on the back. “I’ve never seen a hand like that before!”

“I’ve never seen half those cards before,” Zoro commented, leaning over to see. “Luffy, have you been adding cards to the deck again?”

“But we have more people on board now!” Luffy reminded. “So we need more cards!”

“God, let’s just get on with it,” Zoro shifted to sit closer to Chopper. “Cause I need a nap soon.”

“I have to go!” Chopper exclaimed, hopping to his feet when Zoro’s hand dropped to his waistband. Zoro and Luffy blinked as Chopper tore across the deck as fast as he could go and slammed the galley door closed behind him.

“Who fucks who now?” Luffy asked, and Zoro shrugged and held out a fist. They both muttered “One, two three!” and Zoro’s paper covered Luffy’s rock. “No fair! You always win that game!”

“That’s cause you always pick rock,” Zoro grunted, reaching with his paper to cover something else inside Luffy’s jeans.

“Rock’s the best!” Luffy reported, leaning back and wriggling a little in pleasure as his shoulders touched the sun-warmed deck. “It beats scissors!”

“But not paper!”

“Yeah, but scissors beats paper, and rock beats scissors, so mmmmph…”


Chopper blinked in the dark of the galley, as compared to the bright sunlight of the deck, and after a second, he could make out the profile of Sanji leaning forwards, arms braced against the edge of the sink. A strange series of low words and grunts were coming from that direction as well.

“Oi, Chopper,” Sanji looked over his shoulder, his skin damp and hair tousled. “Need something?”

His eyes finally adjusted the whole way, and Chopper give a little yelp when he noticed Usopp’s legs bent on either side of Sanji’s, although the rest of Usopp was blocked from Chopper’s line of vision by Sanji’s body. “Usopp!”

“Yeah, he’s just have a look at my plumbing…Chopper?” Sanji scratched his head as the reindeer yelped again and high-tailed it out of the galley.

“What was that all about?” Usopp asked, sitting up from where his head had been under the sink and wiping his forehead with the back of his hand that was clutching a wrench.

“Who knows,” Sanji shrugged, then looked back down. “You done there yet? I’m sick of this thing spraying me in the face.”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m working on it!” Usopp grumbled, thwacking Sanji’s leg lightly with the wrench.

“Hey,” Sanji’s eyes narrowed as his smirk grew, “while you’re down there…”


Chopped slammed the door shut behind him, leaning against it, chest heaving.

“What’s the matter, Tony-kun?” Vivi asked, making Chopper jump, but then he relaxed when he saw it was just Vivi and Nami sprawled on their stomachs on Nami’s bed.

“The boys playing too rough with you again?” Nami asked, getting an elbow under herself to peer over Vivi’s shoulder at Chopper. Chopper nodded enthusiastically, shivering at just the thought of going back out on deck for a little while.

The eyeful he’d got between the galley and here was more than enough for him. And he was certainly never going to sit on Luffy’s favorite seat.

“You can hide in here with us, Tony-kun!” Vivi said brightly, patting the space on the bed in between her and Nami. “We were just reading a magazine.”

“Thanks!” Chopper grinned, trotting over and clambering up on the bed. The girls hooked hands under his armpits to haul him up the rest of the way when he kicked his back foot and met only air.

“There you go.” Nami patted his back, and just then Chopper noticed that the magazine in front of him was open to a centerfold of a well-oiled pirate who had more than a flag waving in the wind.

Nami’s hand was sort of stroking his back fur now, and as he turned his head towards Vivi, he realized that her shirt was not exactly buttoned the whole way.

“We’re really glad you decided to become our nakama, Tony-kun,” Vivi purred, reaching up to twiddle one of Chopper’s fuzzy little ears.

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